tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10324687622874010962024-03-13T07:10:56.961-06:00The Good ParentAll good advice that I have found on raising children. Children are our future and we must protect them!Froggyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12656888064332986521noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1032468762287401096.post-13448348885565981572010-05-09T08:07:00.001-05:002010-05-09T08:07:28.441-05:00Focus on the Family<p style="margin: 10px 0px;"><b>SINGLE MOMS MUST FIND MALE ROLE MODELS FOR THEIR SONS</b><br /><br />QUESTION: I am a single mother with a five-year-old son. How can I raise him to be a healthy man who has a good masculine image?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: As I think you recognize from your question, your son has needs that you're not properly equipped to meet. Your best option, then, is to recruit a man who can act as a mentor to him -- one who can serve as a masculine role model.<br /><br />In her book "Mothers and Sons," the late Jean Lush talked about the challenges single mothers face in raising sons. She says the ages four to six are especially important and difficult. I agree. A boy at that age still loves his mother, but he feels the need to separate from her and gravitate toward a masculine model. If he has a father in the home, he'll usually want to spend more time with his dad apart from his mother and sisters. If his dad is not accessible to him, a substitute must be found.<br /><br />Admittedly, good mentors can be difficult to recruit. Consider your friends, relatives or neighbors who can offer as little as an hour or two a month. In a pinch, a mature high schooler who likes kids could even be "rented" to play ball or go fishing with a boy in need.<br /><br />If you belong to a church, you should be able to find support for your son among the male members of the Christian community. I believe it is our responsibility as Christian men to help single mothers with their difficult parenting tasks.<br /><br />Certainly single mothers have many demands on their time and energy, but the effort to find a mentor for their sons might be the most worthwhile contribution they can make.<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br />QUESTION: I'm a full-time mother with three children in the preschool years. I love them like crazy, but I am exhausted from just trying to keep up with them. I also feel emotionally isolated by being here in the house every day of the week. What do you suggest for mothers like me?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: I talk to many women like you who feel that they're on the edge of burnout. They feel like they will explode if they have to do one more load of laundry or tie one more shoe. In <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT35">today</span>'s mobile, highly energized society, young mothers are much more isolated than in years past. Many of them hardly know the women next door, and their sisters and mothers <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT36">may</span> live a thousand miles away. That's why it is so important for those with small children to stay in touch with the outside world. Though it <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT37">may</span> seem safer and less taxing to remain cloistered within the four walls of a home, it is a mistake to do so. Loneliness does bad things to the mind. Furthermore, there are many ways to network with other women <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT38">today</span>, including church activities, Bible study groups and supportive programs such as Moms In Touch and Mothers of Preschoolers.<br /><br />Husbands of stay-at-home mothers need to recognize the importance of their support, too. It is a wise man who plans a romantic date at least once a week and offers to take care of the children so Mom can get a much-needed break.<br /><br />Burnout isn't inevitable in a busy household. It can be avoided in families that recognize its symptoms and take steps to head it off.<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br />QUESTION: Our teenage daughter has become extremely modest in recent months, demanding that even her sisters leave her room when she's dressing. I think this is silly, don't you?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: No, I would suggest that you honor her requests for privacy. Her sensitivity is probably caused by an awareness that her body is changing, and she is embarrassed by recent developments (or the lack of them). This is likely to be a temporary phase, and you should not oppose her in it.<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br />Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT39"><a href="http://www.focusonthefamily.org/" target="_blank" class="abbylink">www.focusonthefamily.org</a></span>). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House. <script type="text/javascript"><!--google_ad_client = "pub-5937849139843706";/* 468x60, created 8/21/08 */google_ad_slot = "3966870400";google_ad_width = 468;google_ad_height = 60;//--></script><script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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In fact, he’s already been behind the wheel with his instructor, on an interstate highway no less. I’m resigned to his obtaining his license in a little more than a year. I’m not happy about it. I’m resigned. Mind you, he’s more trustworthy and responsible (in my objective opinion) than nine-point-nine out of ten of his peers. He’s a good if not great kid, and as my readers know, my standards are high. Still, I’m shaking my head in incredulous resignation.<br /><br />Disclaimer: When my kids turned 16, each received a car from their hugely naïve parents. Would that I had some things to do over again.<br /><br />Two weeks ago, a San Diego journalist called asking for some quotes for a story he’s doing on teenage drivers. The story was prompted by the recent automobile deaths of two San Diego teens in separate accidents. My beloved grandson’s life flashed in front of me.<br /><br />I told said journalist that giving a drivers license to a teenage child (and if anyone has failed to notice, they are still children) under age 18 was like giving the kid a revolver with ten thousand chambers, only one of which is loaded with a bullet, and telling him to point it at his head and pull the trigger. Would any responsible parent do such a thing? Then, pray tell, why do otherwise responsible parents allow teenage children to obtain drivers licenses and provide them with cars?<br /><br />When would I allow driving privileges? he asked. When two conditions were satisfied—the 18th birthday and a high school diploma. Would that reduce the drop-out rate or what?<br /><br />The 16-year-old driving privilege was established when cars were less powerful, roads were less crowded, and 16-year-olds were considerably more mature than they are <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT182">today</span>. Furthermore, these laws were passed to allow teens to participate more fully in the operation of family farms. They were not passed with the intention that teens would drive for discretionary, largely recreational purposes.<br /><br />Do teens need driving privileges, much less cars? Obviously not. In Europe, where teens seem to live satisfactory lives (by all measures, they are much happier on average than US teens), the driving age is 18. Even then, few young adults drive cars. They walk, ride bicycles, use public transportation, or putt around on scooters.<br /><br />Someone clamors for my attention: “But John! Lots of small towns and rural areas don’t have public transportation!” But the same is true in Europe. And, to repeat, European teens are lots happier than they are on this side of the pond.<br /><br />I suggest that the primary reason the driving age is not going to be raised any time soon is because the current law is a huge convenience to parents. They are not only relieved of having to transport the young licensee, but they can also assign him to driving younger siblings to after-school activities and the like. So even though these young drivers cannot vote, state legislators are going to protect their driving privileges. Given that interstate commerce is involved, we can only hope that Congress will take up the issue.<br /><br />Given the facts, which lead to the inescapable conclusion that giving driving privileges to a teen, any teen, puts the youngster at far, far more risk than letting a 5-year-old play outside unsupervised (which most of the same parents would not allow), I must conclude that this is not, to be polite, the most prudent of moves.<br /><br />I invite anyone out there to justify this to me in rational terms. You can send your comments to me through my website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT183"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.rosemond.com/">www.rosemond.com</a></span>.<br /><br />Family psychologist John Rosemond’s latest book, The Well-Behaved Child, is now in bookstores.<br /><br />Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT184"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.rosemond.com/">www.rosemond.com</a></span>. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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He never sleeps past 6:15 the next morning, and I can tell he’s tired by early afternoon, but he refuses to take a nap. As a result, he’s a little monster by 4:00 because he’s so overtired. Then, if I put him in his room for bad behavior, he falls into a very deep sleep. If I wake him, his behavior is atrocious, so I let him sleep, which means he has difficulty falling asleep when he put him to bed at 7:30. How can I get out of this vicious cycle?<br /><br />A: Your son is having difficulty establishing a waking/sleeping routine for himself, so you’re going to have to provide that structure for him. The solution to this problem is actually quite simple. Tell your son that his doctor says he doesn’t have to take a nap, but he does have to go to his room at 1:00 for two hours of quiet time, during which the whole house has to be a quiet place (meaning no television, stereo, long/loud phone conversations, and the like). He can play quietly in his room, but he can’t come out until 3:00. If you set the stove timer to announce the end of quiet time, he won’t be inclined to stand at the door asking “Is it time yet?” If he’s asleep when the timer goes off, wake him up. He’ll get into a new and better routine fairly quickly.<br /><br />Q: Whenever our 11-year-old son has a friend over to play, our 15-year-old daughter interferes in ways that eventually reduce our son to tears. Mostly, she’ll make fun of him or make him the butt of cruel jokes. Is there some way of making her understand how hurtful she is being? Does our son simply need to ignore her? This sibling rivalry has become extremely disruptive to our family. Help!<br /><br />A: There’s sibling conflict, which is almost inevitable. Then there’s sibling rivalry, which parents create by attempting to mediate sibling conflict. Then there’s outright verbal or physical bullying by one sibling toward another. You’re describing the latter, and believe me, your daughter is not going to stop bullying her brother because you try to help her see the error of her ways. Expecting your son to simply ignore his sister’s taunts is equally unrealistic.<br /><br />Your son has a right to have a friend over without being victimized by his older sister. Since she obviously derives a great deal of perverse pleasure out of doing so (and since any attempt on my part to explain her behavior would be pure speculation, I’m going to cut to the chase), she’s not going to stop until you put the proverbial hammer down. The most effective way of doing so is simply to inform her that for the next month, whenever her brother has a friend over, she has to go to her room, shut the door, and stay there until the friend leaves. During said month, make sure lots of friends come over, and make sure they come over for long periods of time...hours! Have them spend the night!<br /><br />At the end of her stint in bullying rehab, tell your daughter that if she’s ready to act her age when her brother has friends over, her life can return to normal. Inform her, however, that the next incident will result in a three-month rehab period, and that she will not obtain any driving privileges until she has completely solved this problem. That should get her attention.<br /><br />Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.<br /><br />*About the Author: John Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.rosemond.com/" target="_blank">Visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.</a> Currently, Rosemond is offering <a href="http://www.rosemond.com/index.php?action=website-view-item&WebSiteID=389&ItemID=6653" target="_blank">two of his books</a> for the price of one. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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When he is defiant, sassy and disobedient, you should confidently and firmly step in and lead. This disobedient behavior is distinctly different, however, from that which is natural and necessary for learning and development. Let me explain.<br /><br />Toddlers most often get in trouble for simply exploring and investigating their world. That is a great mistake. Preschoolers learn by poking their fingers into things that adults think they should leave alone. But this busy exploration is extremely important to intellectual stimulation.<br /><br />Whereas you and I will look at a crystal trinket, and obtain whatever information we seek from that visual inspection, a toddler will expose that pretty object to all of her senses. She will pick it up, taste it, smell it, wave it in the air, pound it on the wall, throw it across the room, and listen to the pretty sound that it makes when shattering. By that process she learns a bit about gravity, rough versus smooth surfaces, the brittle nature of glass, and some startling things about Mother's anger.<br /><br />I am not suggesting that your child be allowed to destroy your home and all of its contents. Neither is it right to expect him to keep his hands to himself. Parents should remove those items that are fragile or dangerous, and then strew the child's path with fascinating objects of all types. Permit him to explore everything possible and do not ever punish him for touching something that he did not know was off limits, regardless of its value. With respect to dangerous items, such as electric plugs and stoves, as well as a few untouchable objects, such as the controls on the television set, it is possible and necessary to teach and enforce the command, "Don't touch!"<br /><br />If the child refuses to obey even after you have made your expectations clear, a mild slap on the hands while saying no will usually discourage repeat episodes.<br /><br />I would, however, recommend patience and tolerance for all those other everyday episodes that involve neither defiance nor safety.<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br />QUESTION: I have to fight with my nine-year-old daughter to get her to do anything she doesn't want to do. It's so unpleasant that I've about decided not to take her on. Why should I try to force her to work and help around the house? What's the downside of my just going with the flow and letting her off the hook?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: It's typical for nine-year-olds not to want to work, of course, but they still need to become acquainted with it. If you permit a pattern of irresponsibility to prevail in your child's formative years, she <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT212">may</span> fall behind in her developmental timetable leading toward the full responsibilities of adult living.<br /><br />As a ten-year-old, she won't be able to do anything unpleasant since she has never been required to stay with a task until it is completed. She won't know how to give to anyone else because she's only thought of herself. She'll find it hard to make decisions or control her own impulses.<br /><br />A few years from now, she will steamroll into adolescence and then adulthood completely unprepared for the freedom and obligations she will find there. Your daughter will have had precious little training for those pressing responsibilities of maturity.<br /><br />Obviously, I've painted a worst-case scenario with regard to your daughter. You still have plenty of opportunity to help her avoid it. I just hope your desire for harmony doesn't lead you to do what will be harmful to her in later years.<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br />Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT213"><a href="http://www.family.org/" target="_blank" class="abbylink">www.family.org</a></span>). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.<br /><br /> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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She wouldn't go on stage with the rest of her classmates and stood next to me, clinging to me the whole time.<br /><br />A. While children are born with different temperaments and some are more shy than others, fully half of shy children reverse their obvious shyness. A first priority is for children not to become labeled by adult talk as being shy, so when others call your daughter shy, just respond by saying, "She seems to be getting over her shyness as she grows up." You'll want to look for opportunities to comment within her hearing on her improved social ability and independence. Gradually, she'll see herself as more confident as you describe her that way. Right now, discussion of her shyness brings her plenty of attention, and she carries it as her persona.<br /><br />Plan play dates for her at home and at other children's homes so she gets time away from you. Don't ask if she'd like to go to new places, or she'll say no and an argument will ensue. Instead, just say, with confidence, "I've arranged for your friend to come here," or " � for you to go there," or " � for you to take dance lessons." Once she's been dropped off a few times and starts enjoying friends or interesting classes, she'll forget to feel shy and will develop more social confidence.<br /><br />For free newsletters about referential speaking, principles of parenting, or social skills, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT58"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.sylviarimm.com/">www.sylviarimm.com</a></span> for more parenting information.<br /><br />----<br /><br />Appropriate Nudity Is Culturally Defined<br /><br />Q. I'm wondering at what age is it inappropriate for a child to see their parent naked? If it's the opposite-sexed parent, is the age different?<br /><br />A. Most typically, seeing the same-sexed parent nude is reasonable at any age, thus dressing in locker rooms for swimming or gym is usually open. I advise that nudity with the opposite sex should stop around kindergarten age when children are expected to use separate rooms at school for dressing or using the toilet.<br /><br />Children need to be taught not to touch private parts quite early, although they're often curious about touching their parents' private parts. The most important reason for teaching this is to avoid children getting into trouble by touching other children and to protect them from predators or abusers who might take advantage of their naivet� and touch them.<br /><br />Some cultures are clearly more relaxed about nudity than others, and in some cultures adults and children are even playful about touching each other's private parts. Because our mainstream culture has become hypersensitive to abuse, I recommend stating very clearly to children that they must not touch others' private parts and must not permit others to touch theirs. Nonetheless, it's important for parents not to overreact or over punish children when they touch or look at each other out of what always has been and continues to be normal childhood curiosity. It's a very tricky balance.<br /><br />For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT59"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.sylviarimm.com/">www.sylviarimm.com</a></span>.<br /><br />Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT60"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.sylviarimm.com/">www.sylviarimm.com</a></span>. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT61">srimm@sylviarimm.com</span>. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT62"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.creators.com/">www.creators.com</a></span>. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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When we arrive somewhere my daughter will hang on to my hand or try to climb up my clothing and it takes quite a bit of coaxing to get her to participate. She's less shy with Daddy, but still much more so than other children. I let her scan the room to see who's there, give her time to get comfortable and encourage her to participate. I hold her hand until she lets go, and I lead her to activities.<br /><br />We have a close friend who's very lenient with her daughter, and often her daughter wants to spend time with my daughter. My friend takes my daughter by the hand and leads her to her daughter. She's loving toward my daughter, and the girls get along wonderfully, but I think she's creating another dependency on her daughter and increasing my daughter's dependency. I'm trying to make sure she mixes with the other kids in class, as well as in public places such as parks. I'm friendly and outgoing myself to show her how easy it can be. It creates quite a bit of tension.<br /><br />First, what can I do to help my daughter overcome this shyness? Second, how do I handle my friend who means well but whom I believe is making the situation worse? She suggested I drop my daughter off at her house for a playdate and leave her there alone. I also know that day care might help. Unfortunately, we can't afford it since I'm a stay-at-home mom. I don't want to go back to work just to put her in day care. Thank you for any help you can provide.<br /><br />A. Children are born with different temperaments and some have biological tendencies to be more fearful. However, fully half of shy children reverse their shyness, and you should have reasonable confidence that your daughter can do that. There are a few techniques that are very effective.<br /><br />First and foremost, take the word "shy" out of your vocabulary within your daughter's earshot. When others refer to her as shy, explain that she's actually quite friendly. Within your daughter's hearing, but indirectly to your husband, mother or friend, mention that you notice that she's starting to outgrow her shyness and seems to enjoy gym class.<br /><br />As to your friend whose daughter is your daughter's age, I'm not sure what in the mother's behavior you're perceiving as a problem. Having her spend time at this girl's house, without you, sounds like excellent practice for independence. Doing the same with other friends will give her a variety of friendship experiences and help her overcome her shyness.<br /><br />Unless parents are required to stay in gym class, I suggest walking your daughter in, giving her a hug and letting her know you'll pick her up later. After two or three times, I expect she'll have friends to play along side of, which is what 2-year-olds typically do.<br /><br />As to day care, I don't think you need to feel guilty about not enrolling her. If you can manage two half days a week of preschool next year (at age 3), that would help her social adjustment. In addition to the gym classes, weekly library story hours, playdates and occasional babysitters will help your daughter become more independent and confident.<br /><br />For free newsletters about developing social skills or raising preschoolers, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT127"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.sylviarimm.com/">www.sylviarimm.com</a></span> for more parenting information.<br /><br />Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT128"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.sylviarimm.com/">www.sylviarimm.com</a></span>. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT129">srimm@sylviarimm.com</span>. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT130"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.creators.com/">www.creators.com</a></span>. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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Mothers seem to be especially susceptible to this psychological virus-<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT169">today</span>'s moms, that is. Fifty years and more ago, before the psychological parenting revolution of the late 1960s and early 1970s, mothers were more immune to guilt. Back then, when a child behaved badly, the mother made the child feel guilty. These days, when a child behaves badly, the child's mother is likely to experience the guilt due the offense.<br /><br />This has happened because <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT170">today</span>'s moms -- the primary consumers of parenting information and therefore its primary victims -- believe that parenting produces the child. That's understandable. After all, if one goes to a mental health professional because of some problem, the overwhelming likelihood is that the MHP is going to ask questions about the person's childhood. Determinism has been a dominant feature of much if not most psychological theory since Freud, and even though it is not supported by research or common sense, it lingers on.<br /><br />Mainstream psychological theory is hard pressed to explain how a person who grows up with every conceivable advantage takes a hard left turn as a young adult and winds up trashing his life, much less that he keeps making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Violent criminals do not all come from violent families. Pathological liars do not all come from pathological families.<br /><br />The only conclusion upheld by common sense: Parenting does not produce the child. Parenting is an influence, and it is certainly prudent for parents to do what they can to maximize positive influence, but in the final analysis, the child produces himself. At any given point in his life, he takes your influence (along with a host of others) and he decides what to do with it. He is the decider.<br /><br />Prior to the Age of Psychological Parenting, parents understood that they could only do so much. They understood that no matter how "good" their parenting was, their children were still capable on any given day of going to school or out into the community and doing bad things -- really bad, even. In the final analysis, therefore, their children were responsible for their own behavior. So back in those not-so-long-ago days, when a child misbehaved, the child's parents weren't likely to agonize over it, punishing themselves. They punished him.<br /><br />All too many of <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT171">today</span>'s parents, in the same circumstances, punish themselves. They agonize. They feel bad. They search themselves for the answer to "Why?" Consequently, their children are not being held fully responsible.<br /><br />Of late, I've been asking my audiences two questions:<br /><br />Is parenting more or less stressful, do you think, than it was in the 1950s?<br /><br />Are <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT172">today</span>'s children more or less happy than were children in the 1950s?<br /><br />Every audience -- of which there have been approximately ten so far -- has reached instant consensus. Their answers have been, respectively, more and less. Those are, of course, the correct answers.<br /><br />I simply propose that much of the stress is due to parents holding themselves responsible for their children's misbehavior. And I propose that much of the unhappiness is because children are not being held responsible for their own behavior.<br /><br />Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond<br /><br />Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT173"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.rosemond.com/">www.rosemond.com</a></span>.<br /><br />*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT174">Today</span> Show, CNN, and CBS Later <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT175">Today</span>. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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I'm talking about ignored, as in being seen and not heard, out from underfoot, free to do their own thing without adults hovering neurotically over them making sure everything in their lives is all right and meaningful from moment to moment.<br /><br />These days, the problem is that the overwhelming majority of American children have never experienced the benefits and blessings of being ignored; therefore, they don't know that being ignored is the preferable state of affairs. These children have been the center of attention in their families from day one. So, having learned that being the center of attention is essential to their well-being, they can't tolerate being ignored; therefore, they clamor in various ways for attention. In this regard, appearances can be deceiving. Some attention-addicts clamor for attention by being boisterous, interrupting conversations, and the like. Other attention-addicts clamor for attention by acting like they are pitiful. The latter get adults to hover over them, asking solicitous questions like, "Is everything all right?" and "Is there something you need to talk about?"<br /><br />I asked a recent audience, "Raise your hand if, according to my meaning, you were ignored as a child." More than half the folks in attendance raised their hands. I then said, "Keep your hand up if you feel blessed to have been ignored." I didn't see any hands go down. The folks who did not raise a hand did not disagree. As kids, they simply had not been so benefited.<br /><br />One reason <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT733">today</span>'s parents experience the simple responsibility of raising children as stressful is they feel obligated to be giving their children near-constant attention. The more attention they give, the more attention their children want, and the more stressful parenting becomes. Not so long ago in America, children were not given a lot of attention and they were generally expected to not attract attention to themselves. I can attest, being a child of such expectation, that this is very liberating to a child. It is also very liberating to the child's parents. <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT734">Today</span>'s parents can only imagine what it must be like to be able to read a book, do a crossword puzzle, carry on a conversation, fix a cup of tea, putter in the garden, or just sit back and close one's eyes for an hour without being interrupted.<br /><br /><span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT735">Today</span>'s parents don't think they have the right to say to their children such mutually liberating things as "You don't need a mother/father right now, and I'm not going to be one" or "You don't have permission to ask me for anything for the next hour, and if you attract any attention to yourself during that time, you'll be in a mess of trouble with the meanest mom/dad in the world!" Because they have allowed themselves to be victimized by psychobabble, they believe that saying such things to their children will cause psychological distress. Indeed, for a child who has been burdened with too much attention, that's true. But distress and harm are horses of two different colors.<br /><br />In this case, the harm is done by giving too much attention for too long. The distress of suddenly discovering that the entitlement program is over will be short-lived, after which everyone's quality of life will improve considerably. Freedom from hovering is every bit as wonderful as freedom from the compulsion to hover.<br /><br />Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT736"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.rosemond.com/">www.rosemond.com</a></span>.<br /><br />Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT737"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.rosemond.com/">www.rosemond.com</a></span>.<br /><br />Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond<br /><br />*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT738">Today</span> Show, CNN, and CBS Later <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT739">Today</span>.<br /><br /><span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT740"><a href="http://www.rosemond.com/" target="_blank">Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.</a></span><br /><script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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There are times when I think he's trying to take over the entire family. I've never really understood him before but I guess he just doesn't want anyone telling him what to do.<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: That is precisely how he feels. It is surprising how commonly this basic impulse of children is overlooked. Indeed, I think the really tough kids understand the struggle for control even better than their parents who are bogged down with adult responsibilities and worries. Children devote their primary effort to the power game while we grown-ups play only when we must.<br /><br />Some time you might ask a group of children about the adults who lead them. They will instantly tell you, with one voice, which grown-ups are skilled in handling them and which aren't. Every schoolchild can name the teachers who are in control and those who are intimidated by kids.<br /><br />One father overheard his five-year-old daughter, Laura, say to her little sister who was doing something wrong, "Mmmm, I'm going to tell Mommie on you. No! I'll tell Daddy. He's worse!" Laura had evaluated the authority of her two parents and concluded that one was more effective than the other.<br /><br />This same child was observed by her father to have become especially disobedient and defiant. She was irritating other family members and looking for ways to avoid minding her parents. Her dad decided not to confront her directly but to punish her consistently for every offense until she settled down. Thus, for three or four days, he let Laura get away with nothing. She was spanked, stood in the corner and sent to her bedroom.<br /><br />Near the end of the fourth day, she was sitting on the bed with her father and younger sister. Without provocation, Laura pulled the hair of the toddler who was looking at a book. Her dad promptly thumped her on the head with his large hand. Laura did not cry, but sat in silence for a moment or two, and then said, "Harrumph! All my tricks are not working!"<br /><br />This is the conclusion you want your strong-willed son to draw: "It's too risky to take on Mom or Dad, so let's get with the program."<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br />QUESTION: I am 21 and also still at home. I am very comfortable there, and I plan to stay with my parents for a long time. Why not? Tell me why you think it is unwise to go on living where it is cheaper and easier than getting out on your own.<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: There are individual situations when it makes sense to live with your parents for a longer time, and maybe yours is one of them. I would caution you, however, not to overstay your welcome. That would not be in your best interests or those of your folks. Remaining too long under the parents' roof is not unlike an unborn baby who refuses to leave the womb. He has every reason to stay awhile. It is warm and cozy there. All his needs are met in that stress-free environment. He doesn't have to work or study or discipline himself.<br /><br />But it would be crazy to stay beyond the nine months intended. He can't grow and learn without leaving the security of that place. His development will be arrested until he enters the cold world and takes a few whacks on his behind. It is to everyone's advantage, and especially to the welfare of his mother, that he slide on down the birth canal and get on with life.<br /><br />So it is in young adulthood. Until you cut the umbilical cord and begin providing for yourself, you will remain in a state of arrested development. Remaining at home with Mom and Dad is the perpetuation of childhood. It may be time to put it behind you.<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br />Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT877"><a href="http://www.family.org/" target="_blank" class="abbylink">www.family.org</a></span>). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.<br /><br /> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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How do you explain this paralyzing social fear at an age when they are notoriously gutsy? There is very little else that scares them. Teenagers drive their cars like maniacs and the boys make great combat soldiers. Why is it that an eighteen-year-old can be trained to attack an enemy gun emplacement or run through a minefield, and yet he panics in the noisy company of his peers? Why are they so frightened of each other?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: I believe the answer is related to the nature of power and how it influences human behavior. Adolescent society is based on the exercise of raw force. That is the heart and soul of its value system. It comes in various forms.<br /><br />For girls, there is no greater social dominance than physical beauty. A truly gorgeous young woman is so powerful that even the boys are often terrified of her. She rules in a high school like a queen on her throne, and in fact, she is usually given some honor with references to royalty in its name (Homecoming Queen, Homecoming Princess, All-School Queen, Sweetheart's Queen, Football Queen, etc.). The way she uses this status to intimidate her subjects is in itself a fascinating study in adolescent behavior.<br /><br />Boys derive power from physical attractiveness, too, but also from athletic accomplishment in certain prescribed sports. Those that carry the greatest status are usually skilled in sports that exhibit sheer physical strength (football) or size (basketball.)<br /><br />Do you remember what the world of adolescence was like for you? Do you recall the power games that were played -- the highly competitive and hostile environment into which you walked every day? Can you still feel the apprehension you experienced when a popular (powerful) student called you a creep, or a jerk, or he put his big hand in your face and pushed you out of the way? He wore a football jersey, which reminded you that the entire team would eat you alive if you should be so foolish as to fight back. Does the memory of the junior-senior prom still come to mind occasionally, when you were either turned down by the girl you loved, or were not asked by the boy of your dreams? Have you ever had the campus heroes make fun of the one flaw you most wanted to hide, and then threaten to mangle you on the way home from school?<br /><br />Perhaps you never went through these stressful encounters. Maybe you were one of the powerful elite who oppressed the rest of us. But your son or daughter could be on the receiving end of the flak. A few years ago, I talked to a mother whose seventh-grade daughter was getting butchered at school each day. She said the girl awakened an hour before she had to get up each morning and lay there thinking about how she could get through her day without being humiliated.<br /><br />Typically, power games are more physical for adolescent males than females. The bullies literally force their will on those who are weaker. That is what I remember most clearly from my own high school years. I had a number of fights during that era just to preserve my turf. The name of the game was power! And not much has changed for <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT725">today</span>'s teenagers.<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br />QUESTION: Should schoolchildren be required to wear clothes that they dislike?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: Generally not. Children are very concerned about the threat of being laughed at by their friends, and will sometimes go to great lengths to avoid that danger. Teens, particularly, seem to feel, "The group can't laugh at me if I am identical to them." From this perspective, it's unwise to make a child endure unnecessary social humiliation. Children should be allowed to select their own clothes, within certain limits of the budget and good taste.<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br />Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT726"><a href="http://www.family.org/" target="_blank" class="abbylink">www.family.org</a></span>). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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Our fifth grader simply will not do them! When we try to force him to study, he sits and stares, doodles -- gets up for water and just kills time. Furthermore, we never know for sure what he's supposed to be doing. Why is he like that?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: Let me offer a short discourse on school achievement, based on years of interaction with parents. I served as a teacher, a high school counselor and a school psychologist. As such, I became very well-acquainted with children's learning patterns. The kind of self-discipline necessary to succeed in school appears to be distributed on a continuum from one extreme to the other.<br /><br />Students at the positive end of the scale (I'll call them Type I) are by nature rather organized individuals who care about details. They take the educational process very seriously and assume full responsibility for assignments given. They also worry about grades, or at least, they recognize their importance. To do poorly on a test would depress them for several days. They also like the challenge offered in the classroom. Parents of these children do not have to monitor their progress to keep them working. It is their way of life -- and it is consistent with their temperaments.<br /><br />At the other end of the continuum are the boys and girls who do not fit in well with the structure of the classroom (Type II). If their Type I siblings emerge from school cum laude, these kids graduate "Thank You, Laude!" They are sloppy, disorganized and flighty. They have a natural aversion to work and love to play. They can't wait for success and they hurry on without it. Like bacteria that gradually become immune to antibiotics, the classic underachievers become impervious to adult pressure. They withstand a storm of parental protest every few weeks and then, when no one is looking, they slip back into apathy. They don't even hear the assignments being given in school and seem not to be embarrassed when they fail to complete them. And, you can be sure they drive their parents to distraction.<br /><br />For many, if not most, of these kids, their "battles" over schoolwork and homework represent a conflict between their basic temperament and the frustration experienced and transmitted to them by their parents. A strict, but not punitive approach in which accountability for schoolwork and homework is transferred back from the parents to the child will effectively motivate them to assume responsibility for their work for many of them. An excellent, practical description of this approach is provided by psychologist John Rosemond's "Ending the Homework Hassle" (Andrews McMeel Publishing, 1990).<br /><br />In unusually difficult cases, or when the previous approach has failed, the child may have a neurologically based learning disability or the complex of behaviors known as Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). The cause of ADHD is currently unknown, but may include neurological or biological factors in some cases. Stimulant medication has been found to be effective for relieving the attention and impulsivity features of ADHD behaviors, although this beneficial effect of these medications is not specific or limited to individuals with ADHD.<br /><br />Preliminary research has indicated success for ADHD management with a potentially promising behavioral approach outlined by Dr. David Stein in his recent book "Ritalin is Not the Answer" (Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1999). Other authorities, including Dr. Edward Hallowell and Dr. John Ratey, writing in "Driven to Distraction" (Simon & Schuster, 1995), recommend the use of Ritalin or other medication for children with a confirmed diagnosis of ADHD. Your pediatrician will help you decide which approach to take.<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br />Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT738"><a href="http://www.family.org/" target="_blank" class="abbylink">www.family.org</a></span>). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>Froggyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12656888064332986521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1032468762287401096.post-7611483205971022282008-08-31T05:19:00.000-05:002008-08-31T05:20:39.625-05:00<script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-5937849139843706"; /* 468x60, created 8/21/08 */ google_ad_slot = "3966870400"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--><br /></script><br /><h2 style="margin: 10px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 18px;"><span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT774"><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none;" href="http://www.arcamax.com/parents/s-399884-190492" target="_blank"> Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson </a></span></h2> <small style="margin: 10px 0px; font-size: 11px;"><i> Dr. James Dobson </i></small> <p style="margin: 10px 0px;"><b>TEACHING CHILDREN TO READ IS GREATEST PRIORITY</b><br /><br />QUESTION: Schools are asked to accomplish many things on behalf of our kids <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT775">today</span>. They are even expected to teach them how to have sex without spreading disease. What part of the curriculum would you give the greatest priority?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: Schools that try to do everything may wind up doing very little. That's why I believe we should give priority to the academic fundamentals -- what used to be called "readin', writin', and 'rithmetic." Of those three, the most important is basic literacy. An appalling number of students graduating from high school can't even read the employment page of the newspaper or comprehend an elementary book. Every one of those young men and women will suffer years of pain and embarrassment because of our failure. That misery starts at a very young age.<br /><br />A tenth grade boy was once referred to me because he was dropping out of school. I asked why he was quitting and he said with great passion, "I've been miserable since first grade. I've felt embarrassed and stupid every year. I've had to stand up and read, but I can't even understand a second grade book. You people have had your last laugh at me. I'm getting out." I told him I didn't blame him for the way he felt; his suffering was our responsibility.<br /><br />Teaching children to read should be "Job One" for educators. Giving boys and girls that basic skill is the foundation on which other learning is built. Unfortunately, millions of young people are still functionally illiterate after completing 12 years of schooling and receiving high school diplomas. There is no excuse for this failure.<br /><br />Research shows that every student, with very few exceptions, can be taught to read if the task is approached creatively and individually. Admittedly, some can't learn in group settings because their minds wander and they don't ask questions as readily. They require one-on-one instruction from trained reading specialists. It is expensive for schools to support these remedial teachers, but no expenditure would be more helpful. Special techniques, teaching machines, and behavior modification techniques can work in individual cases. Whatever is required, we must provide it.<br /><br />Furthermore, the sooner this help can be given, the better for the emotional and academic well-being of the child. By the fourth or fifth grades, he or she has already suffered the humiliation of reading failure.<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br />QUESTION: My older child is a great student and earns straight A's year after year. Her younger sister, now in the sixth grade, is completely bored in school and won't even try. The frustrating thing is that the younger girl is probably brighter than her older sister. Why would she refuse to apply her ability like this?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: There could be many reasons for her academic disinterest, but let me suggest the most probable explanation. Children will often refuse to compete when they think they are likely to place second instead of first. Therefore, a younger child may avoid challenging an older sibling in his area of greatest strength. If Son Number One is a great athlete, then Son Number Two may be more interested in collecting butterflies. If Daughter Number One is an accomplished pianist, then Daughter Number Two may be a boy-crazy goof-off.<br /><br />This rule does not always hold true, of course, depending on the child's fear of failure and the way he estimates his chances of successful competition. If his confidence is high, he may blatantly wade into the territory owned by big brother, determined to do even better. However, the more typical response is to seek new areas of compensation which are not yet dominated by a family superstar.<br /><br />If this explanation fits the behavior of your younger daughter, then it would be wise to accept something less than perfection from her school performance. Every child need not fit the same mold -- nor can we force them to do so.<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br />Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT776"><a href="http://www.family.org/" target="_blank" class="abbylink">www.family.org</a></span>). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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Isn't there some way to avoid this blackout period and the other stresses associated with the adolescent voyage?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: Not with some teenagers, perhaps not with the majority. Tension occurs in the most loving and intelligent of families. Why? Because it is driven by powerful hormonal forces that overtake and possess boys and girls in the early pubescent years. I believe parents and even some behavioral scientists have underestimated the impact of the biochemical changes occurring in puberty. We can see the effect of these hormones on the physical body, but something equally dynamic is occurring in the brain. How else can we explain why a happy, contented, cooperative twelve-year-old suddenly becomes a sullen, angry, depressed thirteen-year-old? Some authorities would contend that social pressure alone accounts for this transformation. I simply don't believe that.<br /><br />The emotional characteristics of a suddenly rebellious teenager are rather like the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome or severe menopause in women, or perhaps a tumultuous mid-life crisis in men. Obviously, dramatic changes are going on inside! Furthermore, if the upheaval were caused entirely by environmental factors, its onset would not be so predictable in puberty. The emotional changes I have described arrive right on schedule, timed to coincide precisely with the arrival of sexual maturation. Both characteristics, I contend, are driven by a common hormonal assault. Human chemistry apparently goes haywire for a few years, in some more than others, affecting mind as much as body.<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br />QUESTION: I have a two-year-old boy who is as cute as a bug's ear and I love him dearly, but he nearly drives me crazy. He throws the most violent temper tantrums and gets into everything. Why is he like this and are other toddlers so difficult?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: Your description of your toddler comes right out of the child development textbooks. That time of life begins with a bang (like the crash of a lamp or a porcelain vase) at about eighteen months of age and runs hot and heavy until about the third birthday. A toddler is the most hard-nosed opponent of law and order, and he honestly believes the universe circles around him. In his cute little way, he is curious and charming and funny and lovable and exciting and selfish and demanding and rebellious and destructive. Comedian Bill Cosby must have had some personal experience with toddlers. He is quoted as saying, "Give me two hundred active two-year-olds and I could conquer the world."<br /><br />Children between fifteen and thirty-six months of age do not want to be restricted or inhibited in any manner, nor are they inclined to conceal their opinions. Bedtime becomes an exhausting, dreaded ordeal each night. They want to play with everything in reach, particularly fragile and expensive ornaments. They prefer using their pants rather than the potty, and insist on eating with their hands. And most of what goes in their mouths is not food. When they break loose in a store, they run as fast as their little legs will carry them. They pick up the kitty by its ears and then scream bloody-murder when scratched. They want mommy within three feet of them all day, preferably in the role of their full-time playmate. Truly, the toddler is a tiger -- but a precious one.<br /><br />I hope you won't get too distressed by the frustrations of the toddler years. It is a very brief period of development that will be over before you know it. With all its challenges, it is also a delightful time when your little boy is at his cutest. Approach him with a smile and a hug. But don't fail to establish yourself as the boss during this period. All the years to come will be influenced by the relationship you build during this 18-month window.<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br />Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT585"><a href="http://www.family.org/" target="_blank" class="abbylink">www.family.org</a></span>). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.<br /><br /> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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He was faced with a lot of bullying issues this past year.<br /><br />Although the school has a "no tolerance" policy, we find they do not stick to their own policy and rules. If my son reported something, the incident was minimized. It was often "they didn't mean it," or "they were just fooling around; they're friends."<br /><br />I called the Department of Education, and they said if the school was not following their own rules, I could file a complaint. However, I found that when I called the school, they said, "He bumped into him; he did not hit him," and "Middle school is a difficult time."<br /><br />We finally told the school that we will go to the police and file charges if the bullying did not stop. I don't understand this, and it's a very stressful environment for my son to learn in. Yes, he does go to a psychologist and also to an advocate for his learning disabilities.<br /><br />My son says the students quickly know who's "snitching." They chant, "Snitches are bitches, and bitches get stitches." He said students will do and say things in classes or hallways, and teachers won't do anything about it. How is this acceptable? What can he do, and what would you suggest for next year?<br /><br />A. Bullying is at its worst during the middle school years, but for a school that has a "no tolerance" policy, it's important to communicate about your son's victimization and that shouldn't be considered "snitching." In light of the real violence that has taken place in schools by students who have been bullied, schools recognize the damage that bullying creates.<br /><br />Schools that have anti-bullying programs are successful in reducing, but not eradicating, bullying. There are two ways to approach your son's problem. Both should take place simultaneously. One is by identifying the leader of the bullying, if there is one, and counseling that leader may help your son and others. The other approach is to teach your son appropriate responses: when to ignore, when to give back a smart response and how to find friends so he can feel supported. It's possible, from your descriptions, that your son is overreacting and reporting minor teasing, but I doubt that. When you meet with the school for your son's Individual Educational Plan (IEP), you can add learning to minimize and cope with bullying to his goals, and this can effectively bring him some support from teachers.<br /><br />Your role as parent is to remind him that he's a good person and that bullies often have problems of their own and some times end up in jail. You need to keep him busy with extracurricular and family activities. When you take a trip or visit, ask your son to bring a friend along so that he starts to feel especially close to at least a couple of other kids. For more suggestions on bullying, you can read my book "Growing Up Too Fast" (Rodale, 2005).<br /><br />For free newsletters about bullying or "Growing Up Too Fast," send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or visit <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT766"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.sylviarimm.com/">www.sylviarimm.com</a></span> for more parenting information.<br /><br />Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT767"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.sylviarimm.com/">www.sylviarimm.com</a></span>. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT768">srimm@sylviarimm.com</span>. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT769"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.creators.com/">www.creators.com</a></span>. <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"><br /></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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I'd like to know if you think I am crazy to fight this. It takes away the girls' femininity and they all look like homely, old men in the huge white tux jackets they have to wear. I am fighting about this for all the girls, not just my daughter. If the singers and dancers and other girls in the performance can wear their hair nicely why can't the girls in the band? What do you think about this issue? Thanks for your comments.<br /><br />A. Your daughter may be disappointed in her part in this show, but I can assure you there were no girl trumpet players in bands in the '30s and '40s. And if a band let one in as a temporary substitute, she had to wear pants and hide her hair in order not to embarrass the band.<br /><br />If your daughter were in a play about signing the Declaration of Independence, you would expect her to dress as a man, because women didn’t sign the Declaration of Independence. Times have changed, but this performance is not only a musical performance. It's also a drama and an educational performance; thus, authentic costumes that represent that era are required. There’s much to be learned from this experience. It seems like an excellent opportunity for students, and even their audience, to understand how far women have come and to appreciate an earlier period in history. You should applaud the teachers for their creativity. Perhaps as a final note, as the band does its bows, the girls in the band could let their hair down with a smile and a sign that says "Progress for Women." I do hope the program describes the difference in the times to its audience and that your daughter can celebrate her performance with the entire cast afterward and return to her more feminine attire.<br /><br />In my research on the childhoods of successful women, women in symphony orchestras described how when they first began playing for orchestras, they had to sit on inside chairs, tie their hair back and wear pants so audiences would not realize that the orchestra had to stoop so low as having to admit women. It wasn’t until blind auditions behind curtains were initiated that women received fair opportunities to play in orchestras. Please share that story with your daughter as well and shout, "Bravo" for women’s progress.<br /><br />For free newsletters about See Jane Win®, How Jane Won, and See Jane Win® for Girls, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT718"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.seejanewin.com/">www.seejanewin.com</a></span> for more information.<br /><br />Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT719"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.sylviarimm.com/">www.sylviarimm.com</a></span>. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT720">srimm@sylviarimm.com</span>. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT721"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.creators.com/">www.creators.com</a></span>. <script language="JavaScript" src="http://lapi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?EKServer&ai=gk%7C%7E%7B-%2C%21&bdrcolor=FFCC00&cid=0&eksize=7&encode=UTF-8&endcolor=FF0000&endtime=y&fbgcolor=FFFFFF&fntcolor=000000&fs=0&hdrcolor=FFFFCC&hdrimage=1&hdrsrch=n&img=y&lnkcolor=0000FF&logo=3&num=25&numbid=y&paypal=n&popup=n&prvd=9&query=%22parenting+children+raising%22+kids&r0=4&shipcost=n&siteid=0&sort=MetaEndSort&sortby=endtime&sortdir=asc&srchdesc=y&tbgcolor=FFFFFF&tlecolor=FFCE63&tlefs=0&tlfcolor=000000&toolid=10004&track=5336040211&width=570"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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DOBSON: We used to believe that depression was exclusively an adult problem, but that understanding is changing. Now we're seeing signs of serious despondency in children as young as five years old.<br /><br />Symptoms of depression in an elementary school child may include general lethargy, a lack of interest in things that used to excite him or her, sleep disturbances, chewed finger nails, loss of appetite, and violent emotional outbursts. Other common reactions are stomach complaints and low tolerance to frustration of any kind.<br /><br />If depression is a problem for your child, it is only symptomatic of something else that is bothering him. Help him or her verbalize feelings. Try to anticipate the explanation for sadness and lead the youngster into conversations that provide an opportunity to ventilate. Make yourself available to listen, without judging or belittling the feelings expressed. Simply being understood is soothing for children and adults, alike.<br /><br />If the symptoms are severe or if they last more than two weeks, I urge you to take the advice of the school psychologist or seek professional help for your son. Prolonged depression can be destructive for human beings of any age and is especially dangerous to children.<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br />QUESTION: As an advocate of spankings as a disciplinary tool, don't you worry about the possibility that you might be contributing to the incidence of child abuse in this country?<br /><br />DR. DOBSON: Yes, I do worry about that. One of my frustrations in teaching parents has been the difficulty in achieving a balance between permissiveness and oppression. The tendency is to drift toward one extreme or another. Let it never be said that I favor harshness of any kind with children. It can wound the spirit and inflict permanent scars on the psyche.<br /><br />No subject distresses me more than the phenomenon of child abuse which is so prevalent in North America <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT753">today</span>. There are millions of families out there in which crimes against children are being committed day after day. It is hard to believe just how cruel some mothers and fathers can be to defenseless, wide-eyed kids who don't understand why they are hated. I remember the terrible father who regularly wrapped his small son's head in the sheet that the boy had wet the night before. Then he crammed the tot upside down into the toilet bowl for punishment. I also think of the disturbed mother who cut out her child's eyes with a razor blade. That little girl will be blind throughout her life, knowing that her own mother deprived her of sight!<br /><br />Unthinkable acts like these are occurring every day in cities and towns around us. In fact, it is highly probable that a youngster living within a mile or two of your house is experiencing abuse in one manner or another.<br /><br />Brian G. Fraser, attorney for the National Center for Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse and Neglect, has written: "Child abuse ... once thought to be primarily a problem of the poor and downtrodden ... occurs in every segment of society and may be the country's leading cause of death in children."<br /><br />Let me say with the strongest emphasis that aggressive, hard-nosed, "Mommie Dearest" kinds of discipline are destructive to kids and must not be tolerated. Given the scope of the tragedy we are facing, the last thing I want to do is to provide a rationalization and justification for it. I don't believe in harsh discipline, even when it is well-intentioned. Children must be given room to breathe and grow and love. But there are also harmful circumstances at the permissive end of the spectrum, and many parents fall into one trap in an earnest attempt to avoid the other.<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br />Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(<span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT754"><a href="http://www.family.org/" target="_blank" class="abbylink">www.family.org</a></span>). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.<br /><script language="JavaScript" src="http://lapi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?EKServer&ai=gk%7C%7E%7B-%2C%21&bdrcolor=FFCC00&cid=0&eksize=7&encode=UTF-8&endcolor=FF0000&endtime=y&fbgcolor=FFFFFF&fntcolor=000000&fs=0&hdrcolor=FFFFCC&hdrimage=1&hdrsrch=n&img=y&lnkcolor=0000FF&logo=3&num=25&numbid=y&paypal=n&popup=n&prvd=9&query=%22parenting+children+raising%22+kids&r0=4&shipcost=n&siteid=0&sort=MetaEndSort&sortby=endtime&sortdir=asc&srchdesc=y&tbgcolor=FFFFFF&tlecolor=FFCE63&tlefs=0&tlfcolor=000000&toolid=10004&track=5336040211&width=570"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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</script></div>Froggyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12656888064332986521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1032468762287401096.post-24587222370624856652008-08-02T07:50:00.001-05:002008-08-02T07:51:20.234-05:00John Rosemond<h2 style="margin: 10px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 18px;"><span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT585"><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none;" href="http://www.arcamax.com/parents/s-242119-763228" target="_blank"> Is it odd for a child to play with a much younger boy? </a></span></h2> <small style="margin: 10px 0px; font-size: 11px;"><i> John Rosemond </i></small> <p style="margin: 10px 0px;"><i>Question:</i> My 6th-grade son sometimes plays with a neighbor boy who is nearly four years younger and in the 2nd grade. In past years when they were younger they played almost daily, sometimes along with my 8-year-old daughter. I have been feeling increasingly uneasy about the relationship. Wouldn't it be better for them to play with children who their own ages? Should I step in, or should I let the kids make the decision?<br /><br /><i>Answer:</i> I don't believe that it is necessarily inappropriate or risky for a preadolescent child to have a play relationship with a child three or four years younger, especially when the friendship is several years in the making. Relationships of this nature should be judged individually, not on the basis of the age difference alone. The likelihood is that these two boys will begin to drift apart over the next few years. In the meantime, I encourage you to be watchful, but to leave well enough alone.<br /><br /></p><hr /><br /><br /><i>Question:</i> Despite the fact that our 5-year-old daughter has an end of July birthday, my husband and I decided she was ready for kindergarten. The first week went great. She happily skipped to school. By the end of the second week, however, she is crying in the morning, showing much anxiety about school, and insisting that I walk her into her classroom. At her request I am also having lunch with her. At lunch she seems fine, and her teacher says she is doing just fine. How do I handle this morning behavior and should I not promise to come for lunch?<br /><br /><i>Answer:</i> It would seem that as is the case with most kids who are apprehensive about going to school in the morning, your daughter's anxiety quickly disappears as soon as she is in the classroom. The problem is not school but the transition between home and school. As soon as she's in the security of the classroom, with an adult she trusts, she's fine. In that light, I'd recommend that you arrange to have the teacher meet you at the car and escort your daughter from there. I would predict that within a few weeks your daughter will again be skipping happily into school on her own. As regards lunch, I'd tell her that you and the teacher have decided that you can come one or two days a week, but not every day. Decide what days those will be at the beginning of the week. By the way, I don't think that your daughter's anxiety is indication that you made a mistake sending her to kindergarten this year. The research is clear that late-birthday boys have much more difficulty in school than late-birthday girls<br /><br /><hr /><br /><br /><i>Question:</i> The other day, a large moving van was parked at the entrance to the school my two children attend. The people unloading the van were inmates from the county jail, and the person supervising them was not armed! Am I just being overprotective or am I right to be shocked and concerned?<br /><br /><i>Answer:</i> First, the statistics indicate that children are more likely to be harmed by someone they know and trust-a kindly neighbor-than a complete stranger. Second, there is no evidence that the average criminal is sent into a frenzy at the sight of young children. Third, the rare person is in jail because of child molestation; most inmates are in the slammer for things like stealing cars or dealing drugs. Fourth, I'd be reasonably certain that your county law enforcement people would have more sense than to put a child molester in close proximity to children. So, yes, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Feel better now?<br /><br />*About the Author: John Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT586">Today</span> Show, CNN, and CBS Later <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT587">Today</span>.<br /><br /> <span class="Object" id="OBJ_PREFIX_DWT588"><a href="http://www.rosemond.com/" target="_blank">Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.</a></span><script language="JavaScript" src="http://lapi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?EKServer&ai=gk%7C%7E%7B-%2C%21&bdrcolor=FFCC00&cid=0&eksize=7&encode=UTF-8&endcolor=FF0000&endtime=y&fbgcolor=FFFFFF&fntcolor=000000&fs=0&hdrcolor=FFFFCC&hdrimage=1&hdrsrch=n&img=y&lnkcolor=0000FF&logo=3&num=25&numbid=y&paypal=n&popup=n&prvd=9&query=%22parenting+children+raising%22+kids&r0=4&shipcost=n&siteid=0&sort=MetaEndSort&sortby=endtime&sortdir=asc&srchdesc=y&tbgcolor=FFFFFF&tlecolor=FFCE63&tlefs=0&tlfcolor=000000&toolid=10004&track=5336040211&width=570"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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