Mom Doesn't Have to Sacrifice Everything

John K. Rosemond

Editor's Note: This John Rosemond column was previously published.

Question: Ever since I had children, now 7 and 5, I have resented sacrificing my executive position in the work force for staying home and giving 150% to my children to make sure they succeed in life. I was recently offered my last position back. I am torn between going back to work and my responsibility as a parent. My husband, who is an uninvolved father, says he wants me to be happy and thinks that going back to work is what I should do. What advice can you give me?

Answer: Take it from someone whose mom worked and went to college nearly all of my formative years, one can succeed in life without his or her mom sacrificing everything she wants for herself to insure that. In fact, I don't think the self-sacrificing mom insures anything except perhaps a child who is excessively dependent upon his mother.

Why did women liberate themselves, anyway? Surely not to enslave themselves to the task of making sure their kids succeed, which no amount of maternal effort can guarantee anyway. My mom, and mothers of her ilk through time, thought it was their kids' responsibility to figure out how to succeed in life, not theirs. They believed it was simply their job to raise children of character, not children who had high IQs or sat at the heads of their classes or went on to become doctors, lawyers, or CEOs of major corporations.

As for your husband, the "uninvolved father" who wants what is best for his wife, perhaps you are so involved with your children that he has difficulty feeling like he can get involved without incurring your micromanagement. Any woman who says she is giving more than 33% of herself to her kids is, by definition, what I call a 3M mom: a magnificent maternal micromanager. Obviously, you more than qualify. Besides, as I've said in recent columns, I don't think parents should be involved with their children. They should be interested and ready to get involved, but involvement should be the exception, not the rule. A HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOULD BE INVOLVED WITH ONE ANOTHER. And yes, I'm yelling, because all-too-many of today's parents need to be strapped to chairs and made to listen to a tape loop of the previous sentence blaring over a loudspeaker until they get it.

There is nothing that secures a child's sense of well-being and releases his capacity for self-sufficiency more reliably than knowing his parents are in relationship with one another. Perhaps, and I say this gently, you have so immersed yourself in the role of mother that you have neglected your marriage. Perhaps it is past time for you to rediscover the joy and liberation of being a wife first, a mother second.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.

Sleep Schedule, Sibling Conflict

Sleep Schedule, Sibling Conflict

John Rosemond Q: Under normal circumstances, which are rare, our 4-year-old son goes to bed uneventfully by 7:30 and is usually asleep before 7:45. He never sleeps past 6:15 the next morning, and I can tell he’s tired by early afternoon, but he refuses to take a nap. As a result, he’s a little monster by 4:00 because he’s so overtired. Then, if I put him in his room for bad behavior, he falls into a very deep sleep. If I wake him, his behavior is atrocious, so I let him sleep, which means he has difficulty falling asleep when he put him to bed at 7:30. How can I get out of this vicious cycle?

A: Your son is having difficulty establishing a waking/sleeping routine for himself, so you’re going to have to provide that structure for him. The solution to this problem­ is actually quite simple. Tell your son that his doctor says he doesn’t have to take a nap, but he does have to go to his room at 1:00 for two hours of quiet time, during which the whole house has to be a quiet place (meaning no television, stereo, long/loud phone conversations, and the like). He can play quietly in his room, but he can’t come out until 3:00. If you set the stove timer to announce the end of quiet time, he won’t be inclined to stand at the door asking “Is it time yet?” If he’s asleep when the timer goes off, wake him up. He’ll get into a new and better routine fairly quickly.

Q: Whenever our 11-year-old son has a friend over to play, our 15-year-old daughter interferes in ways that eventually reduce our son to tears. Mostly, she’ll make fun of him or make him the butt of cruel jokes. Is there some way of making her understand how hurtful she is being? Does our son simply need to ignore her? This sibling rivalry has become extremely disruptive to our family. Help!

A: There’s sibling conflict, which is almost inevitable. Then there’s sibling rivalry, which parents create by attempting to mediate sibling conflict. Then there’s outright verbal or physical bullying by one sibling toward another. You’re describing the latter, and believe me, your daughter is not going to stop bullying her brother because you try to help her see the error of her ways. Expecting your son to simply ignore his sister’s taunts is equally unrealistic.

Your son has a right to have a friend over without being victimized by his older sister. Since she obviously derives a great deal of perverse pleasure out of doing so (and since any attempt on my part to explain her behavior would be pure speculation, I’m going to cut to the chase), she’s not going to stop until you put the proverbial hammer down. The most effective way of doing so is simply to inform her that for the next month, whenever her brother has a friend over, she has to go to her room, shut the door, and stay there until the friend leaves. During said month, make sure lots of friends come over, and make sure they come over for long periods of time...hours! Have them spend the night!

At the end of her stint in bullying rehab, tell your daughter that if she’s ready to act her age when her brother has friends over, her life can return to normal. Inform her, however, that the next incident will result in a three-month rehab period, and that she will not obtain any driving privileges until she has completely solved this problem. That should get her attention.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

*About the Author: John Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com. Currently, Rosemond is offering two of his books for the price of one.