Mom Doesn't Have to Sacrifice Everything

John K. Rosemond

Editor's Note: This John Rosemond column was previously published.

Question: Ever since I had children, now 7 and 5, I have resented sacrificing my executive position in the work force for staying home and giving 150% to my children to make sure they succeed in life. I was recently offered my last position back. I am torn between going back to work and my responsibility as a parent. My husband, who is an uninvolved father, says he wants me to be happy and thinks that going back to work is what I should do. What advice can you give me?

Answer: Take it from someone whose mom worked and went to college nearly all of my formative years, one can succeed in life without his or her mom sacrificing everything she wants for herself to insure that. In fact, I don't think the self-sacrificing mom insures anything except perhaps a child who is excessively dependent upon his mother.

Why did women liberate themselves, anyway? Surely not to enslave themselves to the task of making sure their kids succeed, which no amount of maternal effort can guarantee anyway. My mom, and mothers of her ilk through time, thought it was their kids' responsibility to figure out how to succeed in life, not theirs. They believed it was simply their job to raise children of character, not children who had high IQs or sat at the heads of their classes or went on to become doctors, lawyers, or CEOs of major corporations.

As for your husband, the "uninvolved father" who wants what is best for his wife, perhaps you are so involved with your children that he has difficulty feeling like he can get involved without incurring your micromanagement. Any woman who says she is giving more than 33% of herself to her kids is, by definition, what I call a 3M mom: a magnificent maternal micromanager. Obviously, you more than qualify. Besides, as I've said in recent columns, I don't think parents should be involved with their children. They should be interested and ready to get involved, but involvement should be the exception, not the rule. A HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOULD BE INVOLVED WITH ONE ANOTHER. And yes, I'm yelling, because all-too-many of today's parents need to be strapped to chairs and made to listen to a tape loop of the previous sentence blaring over a loudspeaker until they get it.

There is nothing that secures a child's sense of well-being and releases his capacity for self-sufficiency more reliably than knowing his parents are in relationship with one another. Perhaps, and I say this gently, you have so immersed yourself in the role of mother that you have neglected your marriage. Perhaps it is past time for you to rediscover the joy and liberation of being a wife first, a mother second.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.

Focus On The Family

Dr. James Dobson

CHILDREN MUST BE ALLOWED TO LEARN THROUGH BUSY EXPLORATION

QUESTION: Should I punish my strong-willed son for every little thing he does wrong? I would be on his back every minute of the day.

DR. DOBSON: I am not suggesting that you be oppressive in dealing with everyday behavior. The issues that should get your attention are those that deal with respect for you as his mother. When he is defiant, sassy and disobedient, you should confidently and firmly step in and lead. This disobedient behavior is distinctly different, however, from that which is natural and necessary for learning and development. Let me explain.

Toddlers most often get in trouble for simply exploring and investigating their world. That is a great mistake. Preschoolers learn by poking their fingers into things that adults think they should leave alone. But this busy exploration is extremely important to intellectual stimulation.

Whereas you and I will look at a crystal trinket, and obtain whatever information we seek from that visual inspection, a toddler will expose that pretty object to all of her senses. She will pick it up, taste it, smell it, wave it in the air, pound it on the wall, throw it across the room, and listen to the pretty sound that it makes when shattering. By that process she learns a bit about gravity, rough versus smooth surfaces, the brittle nature of glass, and some startling things about Mother's anger.

I am not suggesting that your child be allowed to destroy your home and all of its contents. Neither is it right to expect him to keep his hands to himself. Parents should remove those items that are fragile or dangerous, and then strew the child's path with fascinating objects of all types. Permit him to explore everything possible and do not ever punish him for touching something that he did not know was off limits, regardless of its value. With respect to dangerous items, such as electric plugs and stoves, as well as a few untouchable objects, such as the controls on the television set, it is possible and necessary to teach and enforce the command, "Don't touch!"

If the child refuses to obey even after you have made your expectations clear, a mild slap on the hands while saying no will usually discourage repeat episodes.

I would, however, recommend patience and tolerance for all those other everyday episodes that involve neither defiance nor safety.

---

QUESTION: I have to fight with my nine-year-old daughter to get her to do anything she doesn't want to do. It's so unpleasant that I've about decided not to take her on. Why should I try to force her to work and help around the house? What's the downside of my just going with the flow and letting her off the hook?

DR. DOBSON: It's typical for nine-year-olds not to want to work, of course, but they still need to become acquainted with it. If you permit a pattern of irresponsibility to prevail in your child's formative years, she may fall behind in her developmental timetable leading toward the full responsibilities of adult living.

As a ten-year-old, she won't be able to do anything unpleasant since she has never been required to stay with a task until it is completed. She won't know how to give to anyone else because she's only thought of herself. She'll find it hard to make decisions or control her own impulses.

A few years from now, she will steamroll into adolescence and then adulthood completely unprepared for the freedom and obligations she will find there. Your daughter will have had precious little training for those pressing responsibilities of maturity.

Obviously, I've painted a worst-case scenario with regard to your daughter. You still have plenty of opportunity to help her avoid it. I just hope your desire for harmony doesn't lead you to do what will be harmful to her in later years.

---

Dr. Dobson is founder and Chairman Emeritus of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80995 (www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.

How Do I Get My Child to Say 'Yes'?

By: Shari Harpaz, CCC-SLP (Speech-Language Pathologist)

Does your child often respond ‘no' when you ask them a question? When asked a ‘yes' or ‘no', most children will respond ‘no' more often than ‘yes.'

Toddlers and pre-schoolers are at an age when they are egocentric and/or establishing independence (see all milestones). By saying ‘no' they are making a clear statement that they don't want to do something and now your hands are tied if you really needed them to do it. So what should a parent do?

Here are some tips to help get more of the response you're looking for:

1. Try and ask questions in a “what”? Or “where”? Format instead of yes/no whenever possible. For example: if you're child is pointing and you can't determine what they want instead of saying “Do you want juice?” and having to go thru a list of items, ask “what do you want?”

2. Give your child a choice of 2-3 things you are willing to give them. (“Do you want to go to the park or to the book store”)? This way they feel empowered that they chose the activity, and you didn't have to negotiate after a ‘no' response.

3. Sometimes your best option is to simply TELL your child that this is what you are going to do/eat/have etc. Remember you're the parent and know what's best so don't let your little negotiators always get their way!

For some activities that don't involve ‘yes/no' answers, check out...

You pick the game you want to play: http://www.ebeanstalk.com/category/Games

Which puzzle do you want to play with: http://www.ebeanstalk.com/category/Puzzles

Let's "Pretend Play" and have some fun: http://www.ebeanstalk.com/category/Pretend_Play_Toys

Parents Can Only Do So Much

Parents Can Only Do So Much

John K. Rosemond One of the defining features of today's parenting mindset is guilt. Mothers seem to be especially susceptible to this psychological virus-today's moms, that is. Fifty years and more ago, before the psychological parenting revolution of the late 1960s and early 1970s, mothers were more immune to guilt. Back then, when a child behaved badly, the mother made the child feel guilty. These days, when a child behaves badly, the child's mother is likely to experience the guilt due the offense.

This has happened because today's moms -- the primary consumers of parenting information and therefore its primary victims -- believe that parenting produces the child. That's understandable. After all, if one goes to a mental health professional because of some problem, the overwhelming likelihood is that the MHP is going to ask questions about the person's childhood. Determinism has been a dominant feature of much if not most psychological theory since Freud, and even though it is not supported by research or common sense, it lingers on.

Mainstream psychological theory is hard pressed to explain how a person who grows up with every conceivable advantage takes a hard left turn as a young adult and winds up trashing his life, much less that he keeps making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Violent criminals do not all come from violent families. Pathological liars do not all come from pathological families.

The only conclusion upheld by common sense: Parenting does not produce the child. Parenting is an influence, and it is certainly prudent for parents to do what they can to maximize positive influence, but in the final analysis, the child produces himself. At any given point in his life, he takes your influence (along with a host of others) and he decides what to do with it. He is the decider.

Prior to the Age of Psychological Parenting, parents understood that they could only do so much. They understood that no matter how "good" their parenting was, their children were still capable on any given day of going to school or out into the community and doing bad things -- really bad, even. In the final analysis, therefore, their children were responsible for their own behavior. So back in those not-so-long-ago days, when a child misbehaved, the child's parents weren't likely to agonize over it, punishing themselves. They punished him.

All too many of today's parents, in the same circumstances, punish themselves. They agonize. They feel bad. They search themselves for the answer to "Why?" Consequently, their children are not being held fully responsible.

Of late, I've been asking my audiences two questions:

Is parenting more or less stressful, do you think, than it was in the 1950s?

Are today's children more or less happy than were children in the 1950s?

Every audience -- of which there have been approximately ten so far -- has reached instant consensus. Their answers have been, respectively, more and less. Those are, of course, the correct answers.

I simply propose that much of the stress is due to parents holding themselves responsible for their children's misbehavior. And I propose that much of the unhappiness is because children are not being held responsible for their own behavior.

Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Struggling with Infant's Sleeping Schedule

John K. Rosemond

Question: For the last month our 31-month-old son has started waking up around three in the morning, wide awake. After finally getting him back to sleep he wakes up for good at six-thirty. Before this started he slept through the night until seven, seven-thirty. His afternoon nap is now a good half hour shorter as well. I think he's over-tired, and this is why he is waking up during the night. Consequently, I think he needs to go to bed earlier. My dear husband thinks the opposite and wants to make his bed time later. Please tell us, who's right?

Answer: The real problem here is that your husband is having difficulty accepting that in a happy marriage, the woman rules. He doesn't yet realize that admitting this reality will make for a happier marriage; thus, a happier man.

Concerning sleep and youngsters, the general rule is that the later a young child stays up at night, the less well the child will sleep. Being overtired is the biggest cause of sleeplessness and restless sleep in small ones.

Having said that, there is no guarantee that putting your son down earlier in the evening will solve the problem. He may be making a transition in his sleep habits, one that will work itself out in a month or so. Nonetheless, I'd put him to bed no later than seven-thirty in the evening if for no reason other than providing the two of you with more child-free time.

---

Question: How important is it that I provide my 2-year-old with socialization opportunities? The other mothers in the neighborhood have formed a play group for their toddlers, but they seem to spend most of their time intervening in conflicts and squabbles and conflicts over toys.

Answer: The anxiety endemic to modern mother culture makes it difficult for moms to just "go with the flow" of their children's development. I am unable to find research that supports the need for contrived social opportunities during toddlerhood. In fact, the research suggests that toddler play groups may contribute to later aggressiveness. As you point out, toddlers are territorial and tend, in groups, to have more conflict than not. This stage works itself out quite naturally sometime during the fourth year of life. Therefore, play groups for 3-year-olds make a lot more sense than play groups for twos, but having anxious moms hovering about is counterproductive. The way to go here is two three-hour weekly sessions at a non-academic play school.

The mother of a toddler recently saw the light concerning mother-run play groups and shares this testimonial: "My gut was telling me that these outings were just not necessary and way more trouble than they were worth. When I finally opted out of play-date society, life became immediately more enjoyable. I now feel that a little social time at Mothers' Morning Out or church nursery is more than sufficient at this age. I just don't have the time or energy to watch toddlers go at each other over a toy. Both of my kids began sharing spontaneously shortly after their third birthdays, at which time I began accepting play dates again."

Let those with ears, hear!

Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Ignored

Children Love to Be Ignored

John K. Rosemond Here's something you already know, but don't know you know: Children love to be ignored. Mind you, I'm not talking about neglect. I'm talking about ignored, as in being seen and not heard, out from underfoot, free to do their own thing without adults hovering neurotically over them making sure everything in their lives is all right and meaningful from moment to moment.

These days, the problem is that the overwhelming majority of American children have never experienced the benefits and blessings of being ignored; therefore, they don't know that being ignored is the preferable state of affairs. These children have been the center of attention in their families from day one. So, having learned that being the center of attention is essential to their well-being, they can't tolerate being ignored; therefore, they clamor in various ways for attention. In this regard, appearances can be deceiving. Some attention-addicts clamor for attention by being boisterous, interrupting conversations, and the like. Other attention-addicts clamor for attention by acting like they are pitiful. The latter get adults to hover over them, asking solicitous questions like, "Is everything all right?" and "Is there something you need to talk about?"

I asked a recent audience, "Raise your hand if, according to my meaning, you were ignored as a child." More than half the folks in attendance raised their hands. I then said, "Keep your hand up if you feel blessed to have been ignored." I didn't see any hands go down. The folks who did not raise a hand did not disagree. As kids, they simply had not been so benefited.

One reason today's parents experience the simple responsibility of raising children as stressful is they feel obligated to be giving their children near-constant attention. The more attention they give, the more attention their children want, and the more stressful parenting becomes. Not so long ago in America, children were not given a lot of attention and they were generally expected to not attract attention to themselves. I can attest, being a child of such expectation, that this is very liberating to a child. It is also very liberating to the child's parents. Today's parents can only imagine what it must be like to be able to read a book, do a crossword puzzle, carry on a conversation, fix a cup of tea, putter in the garden, or just sit back and close one's eyes for an hour without being interrupted.

Today's parents don't think they have the right to say to their children such mutually liberating things as "You don't need a mother/father right now, and I'm not going to be one" or "You don't have permission to ask me for anything for the next hour, and if you attract any attention to yourself during that time, you'll be in a mess of trouble with the meanest mom/dad in the world!" Because they have allowed themselves to be victimized by psychobabble, they believe that saying such things to their children will cause psychological distress. Indeed, for a child who has been burdened with too much attention, that's true. But distress and harm are horses of two different colors.

In this case, the harm is done by giving too much attention for too long. The distress of suddenly discovering that the entitlement program is over will be short-lived, after which everyone's quality of life will improve considerably. Freedom from hovering is every bit as wonderful as freedom from the compulsion to hover.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond

*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.

Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson

Dr. James Dobson

TEACHING CHILDREN TO READ IS GREATEST PRIORITY

QUESTION: Schools are asked to accomplish many things on behalf of our kids today. They are even expected to teach them how to have sex without spreading disease. What part of the curriculum would you give the greatest priority?

DR. DOBSON: Schools that try to do everything may wind up doing very little. That's why I believe we should give priority to the academic fundamentals -- what used to be called "readin', writin', and 'rithmetic." Of those three, the most important is basic literacy. An appalling number of students graduating from high school can't even read the employment page of the newspaper or comprehend an elementary book. Every one of those young men and women will suffer years of pain and embarrassment because of our failure. That misery starts at a very young age.

A tenth grade boy was once referred to me because he was dropping out of school. I asked why he was quitting and he said with great passion, "I've been miserable since first grade. I've felt embarrassed and stupid every year. I've had to stand up and read, but I can't even understand a second grade book. You people have had your last laugh at me. I'm getting out." I told him I didn't blame him for the way he felt; his suffering was our responsibility.

Teaching children to read should be "Job One" for educators. Giving boys and girls that basic skill is the foundation on which other learning is built. Unfortunately, millions of young people are still functionally illiterate after completing 12 years of schooling and receiving high school diplomas. There is no excuse for this failure.

Research shows that every student, with very few exceptions, can be taught to read if the task is approached creatively and individually. Admittedly, some can't learn in group settings because their minds wander and they don't ask questions as readily. They require one-on-one instruction from trained reading specialists. It is expensive for schools to support these remedial teachers, but no expenditure would be more helpful. Special techniques, teaching machines, and behavior modification techniques can work in individual cases. Whatever is required, we must provide it.

Furthermore, the sooner this help can be given, the better for the emotional and academic well-being of the child. By the fourth or fifth grades, he or she has already suffered the humiliation of reading failure.

---

QUESTION: My older child is a great student and earns straight A's year after year. Her younger sister, now in the sixth grade, is completely bored in school and won't even try. The frustrating thing is that the younger girl is probably brighter than her older sister. Why would she refuse to apply her ability like this?

DR. DOBSON: There could be many reasons for her academic disinterest, but let me suggest the most probable explanation. Children will often refuse to compete when they think they are likely to place second instead of first. Therefore, a younger child may avoid challenging an older sibling in his area of greatest strength. If Son Number One is a great athlete, then Son Number Two may be more interested in collecting butterflies. If Daughter Number One is an accomplished pianist, then Daughter Number Two may be a boy-crazy goof-off.

This rule does not always hold true, of course, depending on the child's fear of failure and the way he estimates his chances of successful competition. If his confidence is high, he may blatantly wade into the territory owned by big brother, determined to do even better. However, the more typical response is to seek new areas of compensation which are not yet dominated by a family superstar.

If this explanation fits the behavior of your younger daughter, then it would be wise to accept something less than perfection from her school performance. Every child need not fit the same mold -- nor can we force them to do so.

---

Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.

Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson

Dr. James Dobson

ADOLESCENCE CAN BE A DIFFICULT TIME FOR KIDS, PARENTS

QUESTION: My teenage son is becoming increasingly difficult to get along with. Isn't there some way to avoid this blackout period and the other stresses associated with the adolescent voyage?

DR. DOBSON: Not with some teenagers, perhaps not with the majority. Tension occurs in the most loving and intelligent of families. Why? Because it is driven by powerful hormonal forces that overtake and possess boys and girls in the early pubescent years. I believe parents and even some behavioral scientists have underestimated the impact of the biochemical changes occurring in puberty. We can see the effect of these hormones on the physical body, but something equally dynamic is occurring in the brain. How else can we explain why a happy, contented, cooperative twelve-year-old suddenly becomes a sullen, angry, depressed thirteen-year-old? Some authorities would contend that social pressure alone accounts for this transformation. I simply don't believe that.

The emotional characteristics of a suddenly rebellious teenager are rather like the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome or severe menopause in women, or perhaps a tumultuous mid-life crisis in men. Obviously, dramatic changes are going on inside! Furthermore, if the upheaval were caused entirely by environmental factors, its onset would not be so predictable in puberty. The emotional changes I have described arrive right on schedule, timed to coincide precisely with the arrival of sexual maturation. Both characteristics, I contend, are driven by a common hormonal assault. Human chemistry apparently goes haywire for a few years, in some more than others, affecting mind as much as body.

---

QUESTION: I have a two-year-old boy who is as cute as a bug's ear and I love him dearly, but he nearly drives me crazy. He throws the most violent temper tantrums and gets into everything. Why is he like this and are other toddlers so difficult?

DR. DOBSON: Your description of your toddler comes right out of the child development textbooks. That time of life begins with a bang (like the crash of a lamp or a porcelain vase) at about eighteen months of age and runs hot and heavy until about the third birthday. A toddler is the most hard-nosed opponent of law and order, and he honestly believes the universe circles around him. In his cute little way, he is curious and charming and funny and lovable and exciting and selfish and demanding and rebellious and destructive. Comedian Bill Cosby must have had some personal experience with toddlers. He is quoted as saying, "Give me two hundred active two-year-olds and I could conquer the world."

Children between fifteen and thirty-six months of age do not want to be restricted or inhibited in any manner, nor are they inclined to conceal their opinions. Bedtime becomes an exhausting, dreaded ordeal each night. They want to play with everything in reach, particularly fragile and expensive ornaments. They prefer using their pants rather than the potty, and insist on eating with their hands. And most of what goes in their mouths is not food. When they break loose in a store, they run as fast as their little legs will carry them. They pick up the kitty by its ears and then scream bloody-murder when scratched. They want mommy within three feet of them all day, preferably in the role of their full-time playmate. Truly, the toddler is a tiger -- but a precious one.

I hope you won't get too distressed by the frustrations of the toddler years. It is a very brief period of development that will be over before you know it. With all its challenges, it is also a delightful time when your little boy is at his cutest. Approach him with a smile and a hug. But don't fail to establish yourself as the boss during this period. All the years to come will be influenced by the relationship you build during this 18-month window.

---

Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.

Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Bullying Is Hard To Stop

Sylvia Rimm Q. My son is 14 and going into the eighth grade. He was faced with a lot of bullying issues this past year.

Although the school has a "no tolerance" policy, we find they do not stick to their own policy and rules. If my son reported something, the incident was minimized. It was often "they didn't mean it," or "they were just fooling around; they're friends."

I called the Department of Education, and they said if the school was not following their own rules, I could file a complaint. However, I found that when I called the school, they said, "He bumped into him; he did not hit him," and "Middle school is a difficult time."

We finally told the school that we will go to the police and file charges if the bullying did not stop. I don't understand this, and it's a very stressful environment for my son to learn in. Yes, he does go to a psychologist and also to an advocate for his learning disabilities.

My son says the students quickly know who's "snitching." They chant, "Snitches are bitches, and bitches get stitches." He said students will do and say things in classes or hallways, and teachers won't do anything about it. How is this acceptable? What can he do, and what would you suggest for next year?

A. Bullying is at its worst during the middle school years, but for a school that has a "no tolerance" policy, it's important to communicate about your son's victimization and that shouldn't be considered "snitching." In light of the real violence that has taken place in schools by students who have been bullied, schools recognize the damage that bullying creates.

Schools that have anti-bullying programs are successful in reducing, but not eradicating, bullying. There are two ways to approach your son's problem. Both should take place simultaneously. One is by identifying the leader of the bullying, if there is one, and counseling that leader may help your son and others. The other approach is to teach your son appropriate responses: when to ignore, when to give back a smart response and how to find friends so he can feel supported. It's possible, from your descriptions, that your son is overreacting and reporting minor teasing, but I doubt that. When you meet with the school for your son's Individual Educational Plan (IEP), you can add learning to minimize and cope with bullying to his goals, and this can effectively bring him some support from teachers.

Your role as parent is to remind him that he's a good person and that bullies often have problems of their own and some times end up in jail. You need to keep him busy with extracurricular and family activities. When you take a trip or visit, ask your son to bring a friend along so that he starts to feel especially close to at least a couple of other kids. For more suggestions on bullying, you can read my book "Growing Up Too Fast" (Rodale, 2005).

For free newsletters about bullying or "Growing Up Too Fast," send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or visit www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Daughter and Deadbeat Dad
John K. Rosemond

Question: My 13-year-old daughter's father is irresponsible, to say the least. In addition to being a lousy co-parent, he frequently cancels visits and is often obviously lying about the reasons. Nonetheless, I've told her never to speak badly of him to or even around other people. There are times when I even end up defending him, sort of. When she questions his love, I tell her that of course he loves her. When he misses a visit, I tell her that if he gave things more thought, he'd do better. I tell her to talk to him about all this stuff and she says she can't. Sometimes her venting is rather sarcastic and ridiculing. I fear her power in relationships with males will suffer from her experience with bio-dad. Should I listen and say nothing or insist she speak respectfully of him if at all?

Answer: First, I caution you against trying to predict the future, especially your daughter's psychological future. Whether her dad straightens out his act or not, her adult relationships with men may be fine. Then again, girls grow up in healthy families with very adequate fathers and for reasons unknown fall into very dysfunctional relationships as adults. Today's parents seem to think that parenting produces the child. The fact is, parenting is an influence on how a child turns out, but it is just one of many influences. That's why some kids from healthy families go astray as adults, and some kids from very unhealthy families do just fine as adults. Keep focused on now -- not the hypothetical later.

You've obviously had numerous conversations with your daughter concerning her father's lack of parental responsibility and her very legitimate feeling that she's been betrayed. I applaud you for doing your best to keep his image as tarnish-free as possible, but she's old enough now to know that you're just saying what you feel you have to say. With the best of intentions, you are unwittingly feeding fuel to the fire of her anger and resentment. So, I think it's time to have what I refer to as the "final conversation."

Sit down with her when the proverbial iron is cold, when the issue of her dad's unreliability is not ablaze, and say words along these lines: "Over the years, you and I have had many, many conversations about your dad's behavior and your feelings about him. It has occurred to me that in the course of all these talks, we have talked about everything concerning your dad that we can possibly talk about. So, I've made an executive decision. I've decided that we are not ever going to talk about your dad again. The only exception would be if he does something he's never done before, like he spell s your name wrong on your birthday card. Otherwise, if you come to me wanting to talk about your dad, and it's same-old same-old, I'm simply going to tell you that we've had that conversation before, and I have nothing new to say. And you're going to have to deal with it, which is what you're eventually going to have to do anyway." And I'd let that be the end of it.

More than anything, your daughter needs to begin moving on. That process will begin with her accepting that her dad is considerably less than what she hoped for, that he probably will never step up to the plate of parenthood in any sort of adequate fashion, and that complaining about him is accomplishing nothing. She needs someone to help her get "unstuck," and you're that person.

Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond

Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson

Dr. James Dobson

CHILDREN CAN STRUGGLE WITH DEPRESSION, TOO

QUESTION: Our school psychologist said she thinks our son is suffering from childhood depression. My goodness! The kid is only nine years old. Is it reasonable that this could be his problem?

DR. DOBSON: We used to believe that depression was exclusively an adult problem, but that understanding is changing. Now we're seeing signs of serious despondency in children as young as five years old.

Symptoms of depression in an elementary school child may include general lethargy, a lack of interest in things that used to excite him or her, sleep disturbances, chewed finger nails, loss of appetite, and violent emotional outbursts. Other common reactions are stomach complaints and low tolerance to frustration of any kind.

If depression is a problem for your child, it is only symptomatic of something else that is bothering him. Help him or her verbalize feelings. Try to anticipate the explanation for sadness and lead the youngster into conversations that provide an opportunity to ventilate. Make yourself available to listen, without judging or belittling the feelings expressed. Simply being understood is soothing for children and adults, alike.

If the symptoms are severe or if they last more than two weeks, I urge you to take the advice of the school psychologist or seek professional help for your son. Prolonged depression can be destructive for human beings of any age and is especially dangerous to children.

---

QUESTION: As an advocate of spankings as a disciplinary tool, don't you worry about the possibility that you might be contributing to the incidence of child abuse in this country?

DR. DOBSON: Yes, I do worry about that. One of my frustrations in teaching parents has been the difficulty in achieving a balance between permissiveness and oppression. The tendency is to drift toward one extreme or another. Let it never be said that I favor harshness of any kind with children. It can wound the spirit and inflict permanent scars on the psyche.

No subject distresses me more than the phenomenon of child abuse which is so prevalent in North America today. There are millions of families out there in which crimes against children are being committed day after day. It is hard to believe just how cruel some mothers and fathers can be to defenseless, wide-eyed kids who don't understand why they are hated. I remember the terrible father who regularly wrapped his small son's head in the sheet that the boy had wet the night before. Then he crammed the tot upside down into the toilet bowl for punishment. I also think of the disturbed mother who cut out her child's eyes with a razor blade. That little girl will be blind throughout her life, knowing that her own mother deprived her of sight!

Unthinkable acts like these are occurring every day in cities and towns around us. In fact, it is highly probable that a youngster living within a mile or two of your house is experiencing abuse in one manner or another.

Brian G. Fraser, attorney for the National Center for Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse and Neglect, has written: "Child abuse ... once thought to be primarily a problem of the poor and downtrodden ... occurs in every segment of society and may be the country's leading cause of death in children."

Let me say with the strongest emphasis that aggressive, hard-nosed, "Mommie Dearest" kinds of discipline are destructive to kids and must not be tolerated. Given the scope of the tragedy we are facing, the last thing I want to do is to provide a rationalization and justification for it. I don't believe in harsh discipline, even when it is well-intentioned. Children must be given room to breathe and grow and love. But there are also harmful circumstances at the permissive end of the spectrum, and many parents fall into one trap in an earnest attempt to avoid the other.

---

Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.

John Rosemond

Is it odd for a child to play with a much younger boy?

John Rosemond

Question: My 6th-grade son sometimes plays with a neighbor boy who is nearly four years younger and in the 2nd grade. In past years when they were younger they played almost daily, sometimes along with my 8-year-old daughter. I have been feeling increasingly uneasy about the relationship. Wouldn't it be better for them to play with children who their own ages? Should I step in, or should I let the kids make the decision?

Answer: I don't believe that it is necessarily inappropriate or risky for a preadolescent child to have a play relationship with a child three or four years younger, especially when the friendship is several years in the making. Relationships of this nature should be judged individually, not on the basis of the age difference alone. The likelihood is that these two boys will begin to drift apart over the next few years. In the meantime, I encourage you to be watchful, but to leave well enough alone.

---

Question: Despite the fact that our 5-year-old daughter has an end of July birthday, my husband and I decided she was ready for kindergarten. The first week went great. She happily skipped to school. By the end of the second week, however, she is crying in the morning, showing much anxiety about school, and insisting that I walk her into her classroom. At her request I am also having lunch with her. At lunch she seems fine, and her teacher says she is doing just fine. How do I handle this morning behavior and should I not promise to come for lunch?

Answer: It would seem that as is the case with most kids who are apprehensive about going to school in the morning, your daughter's anxiety quickly disappears as soon as she is in the classroom. The problem is not school but the transition between home and school. As soon as she's in the security of the classroom, with an adult she trusts, she's fine. In that light, I'd recommend that you arrange to have the teacher meet you at the car and escort your daughter from there. I would predict that within a few weeks your daughter will again be skipping happily into school on her own. As regards lunch, I'd tell her that you and the teacher have decided that you can come one or two days a week, but not every day. Decide what days those will be at the beginning of the week. By the way, I don't think that your daughter's anxiety is indication that you made a mistake sending her to kindergarten this year. The research is clear that late-birthday boys have much more difficulty in school than late-birthday girls

---

Question: The other day, a large moving van was parked at the entrance to the school my two children attend. The people unloading the van were inmates from the county jail, and the person supervising them was not armed! Am I just being overprotective or am I right to be shocked and concerned?

Answer: First, the statistics indicate that children are more likely to be harmed by someone they know and trust-a kindly neighbor-than a complete stranger. Second, there is no evidence that the average criminal is sent into a frenzy at the sight of young children. Third, the rare person is in jail because of child molestation; most inmates are in the slammer for things like stealing cars or dealing drugs. Fourth, I'd be reasonably certain that your county law enforcement people would have more sense than to put a child molester in close proximity to children. So, yes, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Feel better now?

*About the Author: John Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.

Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Addiction Recovery Takes Time

Sylvia Rimm Q. I've been divorced for 10 years. My daughter was caught intoxicated and smoking pot. She was living with her mother and stepfather, but in the past she had asked to live with me. I said yes with the condition that she go into a program called Eckerd Youth Alternatives for six months.

After 10 years, my daughter has come home to me. This newfound fatherhood and full-time parenting brought out new feelings within me that were waiting to feel something very special.

When I visited her in November, she pleaded with me to let her come home for Thanksgiving. I said yes and then realized I had made an emotional decision and told her she could not come home yet. I then agreed to February, but Eckerd suggested that she finish the program. When I got home, I felt alone and scared with my decision. I thought if it took longer to finish the program and helped her stay away from what she had been doing and put her life in a better and safer direction, there was no contest. So, I told her the news.

I seem to be stuck. I want to trust my daughter, believe her, and bring her home. My fear is if she comes home, she'll start up where she left off. Have you ever heard anything about Eckerd Youth programs? Knowing she's in one of the best youth programs would make me feel better.

A. I can tell you that drug addiction is serious and needs to be treated seriously. I don't know the Eckerd Youth Alternatives program, but you can find out more information by asking about its success rate and contacting your local social services agency for references on the program. If your daughter truly learns to live soberly, she will thank you eventually for insisting she complete the program. If you find corroboration for the quality of the program, I recommend you follow the program's guidelines for when your daughter graduates and lives at home with you again.

For free newsletters about growing up too fast for either tweens or teens, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Katie Fitch, 3 yr. old,

Please remember me in your prayers... Katie Fitch Katie is a beautiful three year old little girl who has just been diagnosed with hepatoblastoma. This is an extremely rare form of liver cancer that affects about one in every million children born in the United States every year. The tumor is so large that it cannot be removed until chemotherapy has been given to try to shrink it. No child should have to endure what she is going through. Please remember Katie and her family in your prayers that God may give them the strength to endure this most difficult time in their lives. A little more of Katie's story: Katie's battle with cancer began Saturday, June 21, 2008 . She told her mommy that she had a 'tummy ache' and she wanted to lay down and take a nap. She did not have any energy the rest of the day nor did she want to eat. Sunday, June 22, 2008 , she again complained of a 'tummy ache'. Katie's mom, Stacie, felt her stomach and noticed a large lump. She was fearful that Katie may have a hernia so she took her to the doctor the following Monday morning. The doctor on duty called in the head of pediatrics to examine Katie to confirm his fears. The head of pediatrics called them all to his office and gave them the bad news. He told them that he felt with a 90% surety that it was cancer. He then said a prayer with this family and immediately referred Katie to the Children's Hospital at the Medical University of South Carolina . Tuesday morning, Katie underwent a barrage of tests including blood work and CT Scans. This confirmed her diagnosis. The tumor is so large that it is pressing on her stomach, kidneys, lungs, and intestine. This tumor cannot be removed until she has undergone chemotherapy to try to shrink it so that it can be safely removed without harming her. Friday morning, June 26, 2008, Katie will have the first of many surgeries to biopsy the tumor and place a Port-A-Cath for the administration of the chemotherapy. Her battle with cancer is just beginning. Please imagine how you would feel if this were your baby enduring such a life threatening illness and say a prayer for Katie and her family. The power of prayer is tremendous and perhaps, through enough prayers, our hopes for a miracle will be answered and Katie will return home with her family to live a long, happy, healthy, and productive life as active as any normally healthy child could have. If you pass this prayer request to just 10 people, and they pass it to 10 more, and they pass it to 10 more, it reaches 1000 people with a few clicks of the mouse. Prayer works.

Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Drug Seller A Poor Father
Sylvia Rimm

Q. My 30-year-old daughter had this fantasy about her ex-boyfriend from high school. They got together and had a son. This guy refused to sign the birth certificate because she wouldn't give their son a name he wanted. He doesn't work, is covered in tattoos and offers no financial or emotional support. He's a social outcast and uses and sells drugs. Why does my daughter constantly say that she doesn't want to disallow this loser in her son's life? She says she is afraid that in later years her son will judge her about it. My real question is -- what do I say to such a stupid excuse? She is a highly educated woman and very well-liked, but her taste in men is just horrible.

A. Your daughter undoubtedly knows her son's father from better days and must still be hoping he'll reform. There's no doubt that a druggie is a poor role model for her son. Your daughter may feel confused because, in most cases, fathers are so important to their children that she doesn't want to cut her son off from his father. I do agree with you on this one, if your factual information is correct -- better no father at all than one that uses and sells drugs. If Father reforms and changes his life more positively, your daughter can promise to open the door to a relationship again. Hopefully, there are other more positive male family members or friends who can be role models for your grandson. Teachers, ministers, coaches and scout leaders can often be inspiring role models, and moms and grandmoms can do their share in raising boys to success and confidence.

For a free newsletter with advice on single parenting, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.