Shy Children

Shy Child Can Outgrow Problem

Sylvia Rimm Q. I have a 2-year-old daughter who has gotten progressively shyer. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and we participate in weekly gym classes and have many playdates. When we arrive somewhere my daughter will hang on to my hand or try to climb up my clothing and it takes quite a bit of coaxing to get her to participate. She's less shy with Daddy, but still much more so than other children. I let her scan the room to see who's there, give her time to get comfortable and encourage her to participate. I hold her hand until she lets go, and I lead her to activities.

We have a close friend who's very lenient with her daughter, and often her daughter wants to spend time with my daughter. My friend takes my daughter by the hand and leads her to her daughter. She's loving toward my daughter, and the girls get along wonderfully, but I think she's creating another dependency on her daughter and increasing my daughter's dependency. I'm trying to make sure she mixes with the other kids in class, as well as in public places such as parks. I'm friendly and outgoing myself to show her how easy it can be. It creates quite a bit of tension.

First, what can I do to help my daughter overcome this shyness? Second, how do I handle my friend who means well but whom I believe is making the situation worse? She suggested I drop my daughter off at her house for a playdate and leave her there alone. I also know that day care might help. Unfortunately, we can't afford it since I'm a stay-at-home mom. I don't want to go back to work just to put her in day care. Thank you for any help you can provide.

A. Children are born with different temperaments and some have biological tendencies to be more fearful. However, fully half of shy children reverse their shyness, and you should have reasonable confidence that your daughter can do that. There are a few techniques that are very effective.

First and foremost, take the word "shy" out of your vocabulary within your daughter's earshot. When others refer to her as shy, explain that she's actually quite friendly. Within your daughter's hearing, but indirectly to your husband, mother or friend, mention that you notice that she's starting to outgrow her shyness and seems to enjoy gym class.

As to your friend whose daughter is your daughter's age, I'm not sure what in the mother's behavior you're perceiving as a problem. Having her spend time at this girl's house, without you, sounds like excellent practice for independence. Doing the same with other friends will give her a variety of friendship experiences and help her overcome her shyness.

Unless parents are required to stay in gym class, I suggest walking your daughter in, giving her a hug and letting her know you'll pick her up later. After two or three times, I expect she'll have friends to play along side of, which is what 2-year-olds typically do.

As to day care, I don't think you need to feel guilty about not enrolling her. If you can manage two half days a week of preschool next year (at age 3), that would help her social adjustment. In addition to the gym classes, weekly library story hours, playdates and occasional babysitters will help your daughter become more independent and confident.

For free newsletters about developing social skills or raising preschoolers, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson

Dr. James Dobson

TEACHING CHILDREN TO READ IS GREATEST PRIORITY

QUESTION: Schools are asked to accomplish many things on behalf of our kids today. They are even expected to teach them how to have sex without spreading disease. What part of the curriculum would you give the greatest priority?

DR. DOBSON: Schools that try to do everything may wind up doing very little. That's why I believe we should give priority to the academic fundamentals -- what used to be called "readin', writin', and 'rithmetic." Of those three, the most important is basic literacy. An appalling number of students graduating from high school can't even read the employment page of the newspaper or comprehend an elementary book. Every one of those young men and women will suffer years of pain and embarrassment because of our failure. That misery starts at a very young age.

A tenth grade boy was once referred to me because he was dropping out of school. I asked why he was quitting and he said with great passion, "I've been miserable since first grade. I've felt embarrassed and stupid every year. I've had to stand up and read, but I can't even understand a second grade book. You people have had your last laugh at me. I'm getting out." I told him I didn't blame him for the way he felt; his suffering was our responsibility.

Teaching children to read should be "Job One" for educators. Giving boys and girls that basic skill is the foundation on which other learning is built. Unfortunately, millions of young people are still functionally illiterate after completing 12 years of schooling and receiving high school diplomas. There is no excuse for this failure.

Research shows that every student, with very few exceptions, can be taught to read if the task is approached creatively and individually. Admittedly, some can't learn in group settings because their minds wander and they don't ask questions as readily. They require one-on-one instruction from trained reading specialists. It is expensive for schools to support these remedial teachers, but no expenditure would be more helpful. Special techniques, teaching machines, and behavior modification techniques can work in individual cases. Whatever is required, we must provide it.

Furthermore, the sooner this help can be given, the better for the emotional and academic well-being of the child. By the fourth or fifth grades, he or she has already suffered the humiliation of reading failure.

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QUESTION: My older child is a great student and earns straight A's year after year. Her younger sister, now in the sixth grade, is completely bored in school and won't even try. The frustrating thing is that the younger girl is probably brighter than her older sister. Why would she refuse to apply her ability like this?

DR. DOBSON: There could be many reasons for her academic disinterest, but let me suggest the most probable explanation. Children will often refuse to compete when they think they are likely to place second instead of first. Therefore, a younger child may avoid challenging an older sibling in his area of greatest strength. If Son Number One is a great athlete, then Son Number Two may be more interested in collecting butterflies. If Daughter Number One is an accomplished pianist, then Daughter Number Two may be a boy-crazy goof-off.

This rule does not always hold true, of course, depending on the child's fear of failure and the way he estimates his chances of successful competition. If his confidence is high, he may blatantly wade into the territory owned by big brother, determined to do even better. However, the more typical response is to seek new areas of compensation which are not yet dominated by a family superstar.

If this explanation fits the behavior of your younger daughter, then it would be wise to accept something less than perfection from her school performance. Every child need not fit the same mold -- nor can we force them to do so.

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Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.