Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson

Dr. James Dobson

CHILDREN CAN STRUGGLE WITH DEPRESSION, TOO

QUESTION: Our school psychologist said she thinks our son is suffering from childhood depression. My goodness! The kid is only nine years old. Is it reasonable that this could be his problem?

DR. DOBSON: We used to believe that depression was exclusively an adult problem, but that understanding is changing. Now we're seeing signs of serious despondency in children as young as five years old.

Symptoms of depression in an elementary school child may include general lethargy, a lack of interest in things that used to excite him or her, sleep disturbances, chewed finger nails, loss of appetite, and violent emotional outbursts. Other common reactions are stomach complaints and low tolerance to frustration of any kind.

If depression is a problem for your child, it is only symptomatic of something else that is bothering him. Help him or her verbalize feelings. Try to anticipate the explanation for sadness and lead the youngster into conversations that provide an opportunity to ventilate. Make yourself available to listen, without judging or belittling the feelings expressed. Simply being understood is soothing for children and adults, alike.

If the symptoms are severe or if they last more than two weeks, I urge you to take the advice of the school psychologist or seek professional help for your son. Prolonged depression can be destructive for human beings of any age and is especially dangerous to children.

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QUESTION: As an advocate of spankings as a disciplinary tool, don't you worry about the possibility that you might be contributing to the incidence of child abuse in this country?

DR. DOBSON: Yes, I do worry about that. One of my frustrations in teaching parents has been the difficulty in achieving a balance between permissiveness and oppression. The tendency is to drift toward one extreme or another. Let it never be said that I favor harshness of any kind with children. It can wound the spirit and inflict permanent scars on the psyche.

No subject distresses me more than the phenomenon of child abuse which is so prevalent in North America today. There are millions of families out there in which crimes against children are being committed day after day. It is hard to believe just how cruel some mothers and fathers can be to defenseless, wide-eyed kids who don't understand why they are hated. I remember the terrible father who regularly wrapped his small son's head in the sheet that the boy had wet the night before. Then he crammed the tot upside down into the toilet bowl for punishment. I also think of the disturbed mother who cut out her child's eyes with a razor blade. That little girl will be blind throughout her life, knowing that her own mother deprived her of sight!

Unthinkable acts like these are occurring every day in cities and towns around us. In fact, it is highly probable that a youngster living within a mile or two of your house is experiencing abuse in one manner or another.

Brian G. Fraser, attorney for the National Center for Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse and Neglect, has written: "Child abuse ... once thought to be primarily a problem of the poor and downtrodden ... occurs in every segment of society and may be the country's leading cause of death in children."

Let me say with the strongest emphasis that aggressive, hard-nosed, "Mommie Dearest" kinds of discipline are destructive to kids and must not be tolerated. Given the scope of the tragedy we are facing, the last thing I want to do is to provide a rationalization and justification for it. I don't believe in harsh discipline, even when it is well-intentioned. Children must be given room to breathe and grow and love. But there are also harmful circumstances at the permissive end of the spectrum, and many parents fall into one trap in an earnest attempt to avoid the other.

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Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.

John Rosemond

Is it odd for a child to play with a much younger boy?

John Rosemond

Question: My 6th-grade son sometimes plays with a neighbor boy who is nearly four years younger and in the 2nd grade. In past years when they were younger they played almost daily, sometimes along with my 8-year-old daughter. I have been feeling increasingly uneasy about the relationship. Wouldn't it be better for them to play with children who their own ages? Should I step in, or should I let the kids make the decision?

Answer: I don't believe that it is necessarily inappropriate or risky for a preadolescent child to have a play relationship with a child three or four years younger, especially when the friendship is several years in the making. Relationships of this nature should be judged individually, not on the basis of the age difference alone. The likelihood is that these two boys will begin to drift apart over the next few years. In the meantime, I encourage you to be watchful, but to leave well enough alone.

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Question: Despite the fact that our 5-year-old daughter has an end of July birthday, my husband and I decided she was ready for kindergarten. The first week went great. She happily skipped to school. By the end of the second week, however, she is crying in the morning, showing much anxiety about school, and insisting that I walk her into her classroom. At her request I am also having lunch with her. At lunch she seems fine, and her teacher says she is doing just fine. How do I handle this morning behavior and should I not promise to come for lunch?

Answer: It would seem that as is the case with most kids who are apprehensive about going to school in the morning, your daughter's anxiety quickly disappears as soon as she is in the classroom. The problem is not school but the transition between home and school. As soon as she's in the security of the classroom, with an adult she trusts, she's fine. In that light, I'd recommend that you arrange to have the teacher meet you at the car and escort your daughter from there. I would predict that within a few weeks your daughter will again be skipping happily into school on her own. As regards lunch, I'd tell her that you and the teacher have decided that you can come one or two days a week, but not every day. Decide what days those will be at the beginning of the week. By the way, I don't think that your daughter's anxiety is indication that you made a mistake sending her to kindergarten this year. The research is clear that late-birthday boys have much more difficulty in school than late-birthday girls

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Question: The other day, a large moving van was parked at the entrance to the school my two children attend. The people unloading the van were inmates from the county jail, and the person supervising them was not armed! Am I just being overprotective or am I right to be shocked and concerned?

Answer: First, the statistics indicate that children are more likely to be harmed by someone they know and trust-a kindly neighbor-than a complete stranger. Second, there is no evidence that the average criminal is sent into a frenzy at the sight of young children. Third, the rare person is in jail because of child molestation; most inmates are in the slammer for things like stealing cars or dealing drugs. Fourth, I'd be reasonably certain that your county law enforcement people would have more sense than to put a child molester in close proximity to children. So, yes, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Feel better now?

*About the Author: John Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.