Struggling with Infant's Sleeping Schedule

John K. Rosemond

Question: For the last month our 31-month-old son has started waking up around three in the morning, wide awake. After finally getting him back to sleep he wakes up for good at six-thirty. Before this started he slept through the night until seven, seven-thirty. His afternoon nap is now a good half hour shorter as well. I think he's over-tired, and this is why he is waking up during the night. Consequently, I think he needs to go to bed earlier. My dear husband thinks the opposite and wants to make his bed time later. Please tell us, who's right?

Answer: The real problem here is that your husband is having difficulty accepting that in a happy marriage, the woman rules. He doesn't yet realize that admitting this reality will make for a happier marriage; thus, a happier man.

Concerning sleep and youngsters, the general rule is that the later a young child stays up at night, the less well the child will sleep. Being overtired is the biggest cause of sleeplessness and restless sleep in small ones.

Having said that, there is no guarantee that putting your son down earlier in the evening will solve the problem. He may be making a transition in his sleep habits, one that will work itself out in a month or so. Nonetheless, I'd put him to bed no later than seven-thirty in the evening if for no reason other than providing the two of you with more child-free time.

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Question: How important is it that I provide my 2-year-old with socialization opportunities? The other mothers in the neighborhood have formed a play group for their toddlers, but they seem to spend most of their time intervening in conflicts and squabbles and conflicts over toys.

Answer: The anxiety endemic to modern mother culture makes it difficult for moms to just "go with the flow" of their children's development. I am unable to find research that supports the need for contrived social opportunities during toddlerhood. In fact, the research suggests that toddler play groups may contribute to later aggressiveness. As you point out, toddlers are territorial and tend, in groups, to have more conflict than not. This stage works itself out quite naturally sometime during the fourth year of life. Therefore, play groups for 3-year-olds make a lot more sense than play groups for twos, but having anxious moms hovering about is counterproductive. The way to go here is two three-hour weekly sessions at a non-academic play school.

The mother of a toddler recently saw the light concerning mother-run play groups and shares this testimonial: "My gut was telling me that these outings were just not necessary and way more trouble than they were worth. When I finally opted out of play-date society, life became immediately more enjoyable. I now feel that a little social time at Mothers' Morning Out or church nursery is more than sufficient at this age. I just don't have the time or energy to watch toddlers go at each other over a toy. Both of my kids began sharing spontaneously shortly after their third birthdays, at which time I began accepting play dates again."

Let those with ears, hear!

Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: United Parenting Is Crucial

Sylvia Rimm Q. I'm 50 years old and have children of my own, ages 20, 24, 25 and 28. My husband is also 50. His 11-year-old son lives with us, but his other two sons, ages 14 and 16, live with their mother. There's been much drama this year, and my husband and I are lost about what to do.

I got along with the youngest until he decided he wanted his father all to himself. So his father let him go live with his mother. She couldn't handle all three boys because the two youngest fight. We had a big enough house, so the 16-year-old came to live with us. We set rules and curfews. A month later the 14-year-old also came to live with us.

The 16- and 14-year-old got into trouble for drinking and drugs. They partied in our home while we were out of town. I told my husband they are no longer welcome, so they're presently living with their mom.

We had to give up our home due to a job change, and we're now staying with my husband's mother. The 11-year-old is back with us but isn't behaving well. He wants his own way. When I say no to something, like not being on the Internet after 10 p.m., he responds by asking “Why?” My husband thinks I'm hard on him. He let him run things before I came into the picture. To me, no means no. How do I deal with this child who thinks he's an adult? I've tried to tell him we're a family, and parents make the decisions. Counseling isn't available in this area of Alaska. My husband works every day but Sunday. I love my husband, but I'm not sure how to deal with his children.

A. Your husband's teenage children are no doubt the products of parents who weren't united and the 11-year-old will soon be in trouble as well if things don't improve. While I can't tell you if you're too strict or your husband is too easy, if you and your husband aren't united, the children will rule your roost. While many 11-year-olds ask why they can't stay up late, you typically only need answer by telling them they require enough sleep to concentrate in school and then usher them to bed. If your husband disagrees with that bedtime and considers it too strict, your stepson will ignore you or be disrespectful.

The place to start is by having a discussion with your husband. If you agree on rules that are reasonable, and your husband tells his son that he expects him to follow your rules, parenting will become doable. Otherwise, your stepson will assume his father doesn't respect you and therefore he shouldn't respect you either.

Now that you're staying with your husband's mother, you'll need her support as well. Can you imagine a basketball team working together with every team member taking a different strategy? That wouldn't work effectively and neither will a parenting team going in different directions. You'll require clear, reasonable rules that everyone understands should be enforced. When kids don't learn to respect parental boundaries, they grow up to ignore laws as well. A counselor could help you, but with no counselor or time available, Sundays will have to provide you time for serious talks. You can only parent your stepson if your husband is willing to be respectful and supportive.

Ignored

Children Love to Be Ignored

John K. Rosemond Here's something you already know, but don't know you know: Children love to be ignored. Mind you, I'm not talking about neglect. I'm talking about ignored, as in being seen and not heard, out from underfoot, free to do their own thing without adults hovering neurotically over them making sure everything in their lives is all right and meaningful from moment to moment.

These days, the problem is that the overwhelming majority of American children have never experienced the benefits and blessings of being ignored; therefore, they don't know that being ignored is the preferable state of affairs. These children have been the center of attention in their families from day one. So, having learned that being the center of attention is essential to their well-being, they can't tolerate being ignored; therefore, they clamor in various ways for attention. In this regard, appearances can be deceiving. Some attention-addicts clamor for attention by being boisterous, interrupting conversations, and the like. Other attention-addicts clamor for attention by acting like they are pitiful. The latter get adults to hover over them, asking solicitous questions like, "Is everything all right?" and "Is there something you need to talk about?"

I asked a recent audience, "Raise your hand if, according to my meaning, you were ignored as a child." More than half the folks in attendance raised their hands. I then said, "Keep your hand up if you feel blessed to have been ignored." I didn't see any hands go down. The folks who did not raise a hand did not disagree. As kids, they simply had not been so benefited.

One reason today's parents experience the simple responsibility of raising children as stressful is they feel obligated to be giving their children near-constant attention. The more attention they give, the more attention their children want, and the more stressful parenting becomes. Not so long ago in America, children were not given a lot of attention and they were generally expected to not attract attention to themselves. I can attest, being a child of such expectation, that this is very liberating to a child. It is also very liberating to the child's parents. Today's parents can only imagine what it must be like to be able to read a book, do a crossword puzzle, carry on a conversation, fix a cup of tea, putter in the garden, or just sit back and close one's eyes for an hour without being interrupted.

Today's parents don't think they have the right to say to their children such mutually liberating things as "You don't need a mother/father right now, and I'm not going to be one" or "You don't have permission to ask me for anything for the next hour, and if you attract any attention to yourself during that time, you'll be in a mess of trouble with the meanest mom/dad in the world!" Because they have allowed themselves to be victimized by psychobabble, they believe that saying such things to their children will cause psychological distress. Indeed, for a child who has been burdened with too much attention, that's true. But distress and harm are horses of two different colors.

In this case, the harm is done by giving too much attention for too long. The distress of suddenly discovering that the entitlement program is over will be short-lived, after which everyone's quality of life will improve considerably. Freedom from hovering is every bit as wonderful as freedom from the compulsion to hover.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond

*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.

Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Writer Girl Wants To Be Advice Columnist

Sylvia Rimm Q. I'm a psychology major in college, but I've wanted to be a writer since I was young. Music is a big hobby of mine, and I've also been looking into art therapy.

I'm very confused about exactly what I want to do for a career. Psychology is very intriguing to me. I'm really good at music, but I love to write. I was hoping to find some direction. How does someone become an advice columnist? Should I double major? Do I need a doctorate? I haven't a clue, and no book or counselor has been able to help me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

A. You've taken a good first step by becoming a psychology major and it would be helpful to take some journalism or writing classes as well. Learning to write well can help with every career, and psychologists do need to write reports and publish articles. Yes, you'll need to get a doctorate degree in psychology before you can actually get a license to practice, so you'll have quite a few years of schooling ahead, followed by two years of interning. When you're an intern, you'll at least, by then, be able to earn a small salary.

Before you actually become an advice columnist, you'll have to develop a specialty area that has public appeal, and you'll have to practice for some time, write some books or develop some other media experience. I actually began my advice column by volunteering to write free of charge for local newspapers. Once I established by credibility with newspaper audiences, I wrote letters to many syndicates. Incidentally, I received plenty of rejections and that wasn't easy. Finally, Creators Syndicate came through, and I've been writing for them for many years.

I can tell you that I love what I do. I enjoy my practice with families tremendously and I love answering the many hundreds, actually thousands, of letters I receive. And here's a surprise, I'm sure -- I answer every single letter. That takes a lot of time, but I'm very motivated because I know I can help many families.

Good luck with your efforts. You'll need to invest a great deal of time, but consider it all an adventure in helping to make the world a better place. In my research on the childhoods of over 1000 successful women, they were often motivated by their belief in being able to make a positive difference. While it's good to earn a reasonable salary, I believe nothing is more rewarding than knowing that you're helping others.

For free newsletters about See Jane Win® or How Jane Won, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.seejanewin.com for more information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

John Rosemond

Is it odd for a child to play with a much younger boy?

John Rosemond

Question: My 6th-grade son sometimes plays with a neighbor boy who is nearly four years younger and in the 2nd grade. In past years when they were younger they played almost daily, sometimes along with my 8-year-old daughter. I have been feeling increasingly uneasy about the relationship. Wouldn't it be better for them to play with children who their own ages? Should I step in, or should I let the kids make the decision?

Answer: I don't believe that it is necessarily inappropriate or risky for a preadolescent child to have a play relationship with a child three or four years younger, especially when the friendship is several years in the making. Relationships of this nature should be judged individually, not on the basis of the age difference alone. The likelihood is that these two boys will begin to drift apart over the next few years. In the meantime, I encourage you to be watchful, but to leave well enough alone.

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Question: Despite the fact that our 5-year-old daughter has an end of July birthday, my husband and I decided she was ready for kindergarten. The first week went great. She happily skipped to school. By the end of the second week, however, she is crying in the morning, showing much anxiety about school, and insisting that I walk her into her classroom. At her request I am also having lunch with her. At lunch she seems fine, and her teacher says she is doing just fine. How do I handle this morning behavior and should I not promise to come for lunch?

Answer: It would seem that as is the case with most kids who are apprehensive about going to school in the morning, your daughter's anxiety quickly disappears as soon as she is in the classroom. The problem is not school but the transition between home and school. As soon as she's in the security of the classroom, with an adult she trusts, she's fine. In that light, I'd recommend that you arrange to have the teacher meet you at the car and escort your daughter from there. I would predict that within a few weeks your daughter will again be skipping happily into school on her own. As regards lunch, I'd tell her that you and the teacher have decided that you can come one or two days a week, but not every day. Decide what days those will be at the beginning of the week. By the way, I don't think that your daughter's anxiety is indication that you made a mistake sending her to kindergarten this year. The research is clear that late-birthday boys have much more difficulty in school than late-birthday girls

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Question: The other day, a large moving van was parked at the entrance to the school my two children attend. The people unloading the van were inmates from the county jail, and the person supervising them was not armed! Am I just being overprotective or am I right to be shocked and concerned?

Answer: First, the statistics indicate that children are more likely to be harmed by someone they know and trust-a kindly neighbor-than a complete stranger. Second, there is no evidence that the average criminal is sent into a frenzy at the sight of young children. Third, the rare person is in jail because of child molestation; most inmates are in the slammer for things like stealing cars or dealing drugs. Fourth, I'd be reasonably certain that your county law enforcement people would have more sense than to put a child molester in close proximity to children. So, yes, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Feel better now?

*About the Author: John Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Click here to visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.