Shy Children

Shy Child Can Become More Social

Sylvia Rimm Q. Can you give us some advice on helping our 3-year-old daughter overcome her shyness? She's in preschool and cried the whole time at the Christmas party. She wouldn't go on stage with the rest of her classmates and stood next to me, clinging to me the whole time.

A. While children are born with different temperaments and some are more shy than others, fully half of shy children reverse their obvious shyness. A first priority is for children not to become labeled by adult talk as being shy, so when others call your daughter shy, just respond by saying, "She seems to be getting over her shyness as she grows up." You'll want to look for opportunities to comment within her hearing on her improved social ability and independence. Gradually, she'll see herself as more confident as you describe her that way. Right now, discussion of her shyness brings her plenty of attention, and she carries it as her persona.

Plan play dates for her at home and at other children's homes so she gets time away from you. Don't ask if she'd like to go to new places, or she'll say no and an argument will ensue. Instead, just say, with confidence, "I've arranged for your friend to come here," or " � for you to go there," or " � for you to take dance lessons." Once she's been dropped off a few times and starts enjoying friends or interesting classes, she'll forget to feel shy and will develop more social confidence.

For free newsletters about referential speaking, principles of parenting, or social skills, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

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Appropriate Nudity Is Culturally Defined

Q. I'm wondering at what age is it inappropriate for a child to see their parent naked? If it's the opposite-sexed parent, is the age different?

A. Most typically, seeing the same-sexed parent nude is reasonable at any age, thus dressing in locker rooms for swimming or gym is usually open. I advise that nudity with the opposite sex should stop around kindergarten age when children are expected to use separate rooms at school for dressing or using the toilet.

Children need to be taught not to touch private parts quite early, although they're often curious about touching their parents' private parts. The most important reason for teaching this is to avoid children getting into trouble by touching other children and to protect them from predators or abusers who might take advantage of their naivet� and touch them.

Some cultures are clearly more relaxed about nudity than others, and in some cultures adults and children are even playful about touching each other's private parts. Because our mainstream culture has become hypersensitive to abuse, I recommend stating very clearly to children that they must not touch others' private parts and must not permit others to touch theirs. Nonetheless, it's important for parents not to overreact or over punish children when they touch or look at each other out of what always has been and continues to be normal childhood curiosity. It's a very tricky balance.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Parents Can Only Do So Much

Parents Can Only Do So Much

John K. Rosemond One of the defining features of today's parenting mindset is guilt. Mothers seem to be especially susceptible to this psychological virus-today's moms, that is. Fifty years and more ago, before the psychological parenting revolution of the late 1960s and early 1970s, mothers were more immune to guilt. Back then, when a child behaved badly, the mother made the child feel guilty. These days, when a child behaves badly, the child's mother is likely to experience the guilt due the offense.

This has happened because today's moms -- the primary consumers of parenting information and therefore its primary victims -- believe that parenting produces the child. That's understandable. After all, if one goes to a mental health professional because of some problem, the overwhelming likelihood is that the MHP is going to ask questions about the person's childhood. Determinism has been a dominant feature of much if not most psychological theory since Freud, and even though it is not supported by research or common sense, it lingers on.

Mainstream psychological theory is hard pressed to explain how a person who grows up with every conceivable advantage takes a hard left turn as a young adult and winds up trashing his life, much less that he keeps making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Violent criminals do not all come from violent families. Pathological liars do not all come from pathological families.

The only conclusion upheld by common sense: Parenting does not produce the child. Parenting is an influence, and it is certainly prudent for parents to do what they can to maximize positive influence, but in the final analysis, the child produces himself. At any given point in his life, he takes your influence (along with a host of others) and he decides what to do with it. He is the decider.

Prior to the Age of Psychological Parenting, parents understood that they could only do so much. They understood that no matter how "good" their parenting was, their children were still capable on any given day of going to school or out into the community and doing bad things -- really bad, even. In the final analysis, therefore, their children were responsible for their own behavior. So back in those not-so-long-ago days, when a child misbehaved, the child's parents weren't likely to agonize over it, punishing themselves. They punished him.

All too many of today's parents, in the same circumstances, punish themselves. They agonize. They feel bad. They search themselves for the answer to "Why?" Consequently, their children are not being held fully responsible.

Of late, I've been asking my audiences two questions:

Is parenting more or less stressful, do you think, than it was in the 1950s?

Are today's children more or less happy than were children in the 1950s?

Every audience -- of which there have been approximately ten so far -- has reached instant consensus. Their answers have been, respectively, more and less. Those are, of course, the correct answers.

I simply propose that much of the stress is due to parents holding themselves responsible for their children's misbehavior. And I propose that much of the unhappiness is because children are not being held responsible for their own behavior.

Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.

Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Writer Girl Wants To Be Advice Columnist

Sylvia Rimm Q. I'm a psychology major in college, but I've wanted to be a writer since I was young. Music is a big hobby of mine, and I've also been looking into art therapy.

I'm very confused about exactly what I want to do for a career. Psychology is very intriguing to me. I'm really good at music, but I love to write. I was hoping to find some direction. How does someone become an advice columnist? Should I double major? Do I need a doctorate? I haven't a clue, and no book or counselor has been able to help me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

A. You've taken a good first step by becoming a psychology major and it would be helpful to take some journalism or writing classes as well. Learning to write well can help with every career, and psychologists do need to write reports and publish articles. Yes, you'll need to get a doctorate degree in psychology before you can actually get a license to practice, so you'll have quite a few years of schooling ahead, followed by two years of interning. When you're an intern, you'll at least, by then, be able to earn a small salary.

Before you actually become an advice columnist, you'll have to develop a specialty area that has public appeal, and you'll have to practice for some time, write some books or develop some other media experience. I actually began my advice column by volunteering to write free of charge for local newspapers. Once I established by credibility with newspaper audiences, I wrote letters to many syndicates. Incidentally, I received plenty of rejections and that wasn't easy. Finally, Creators Syndicate came through, and I've been writing for them for many years.

I can tell you that I love what I do. I enjoy my practice with families tremendously and I love answering the many hundreds, actually thousands, of letters I receive. And here's a surprise, I'm sure -- I answer every single letter. That takes a lot of time, but I'm very motivated because I know I can help many families.

Good luck with your efforts. You'll need to invest a great deal of time, but consider it all an adventure in helping to make the world a better place. In my research on the childhoods of over 1000 successful women, they were often motivated by their belief in being able to make a positive difference. While it's good to earn a reasonable salary, I believe nothing is more rewarding than knowing that you're helping others.

For free newsletters about See Jane Win® or How Jane Won, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.seejanewin.com for more information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.