Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Bullying Is Hard To Stop

Sylvia Rimm Q. My son is 14 and going into the eighth grade. He was faced with a lot of bullying issues this past year.

Although the school has a "no tolerance" policy, we find they do not stick to their own policy and rules. If my son reported something, the incident was minimized. It was often "they didn't mean it," or "they were just fooling around; they're friends."

I called the Department of Education, and they said if the school was not following their own rules, I could file a complaint. However, I found that when I called the school, they said, "He bumped into him; he did not hit him," and "Middle school is a difficult time."

We finally told the school that we will go to the police and file charges if the bullying did not stop. I don't understand this, and it's a very stressful environment for my son to learn in. Yes, he does go to a psychologist and also to an advocate for his learning disabilities.

My son says the students quickly know who's "snitching." They chant, "Snitches are bitches, and bitches get stitches." He said students will do and say things in classes or hallways, and teachers won't do anything about it. How is this acceptable? What can he do, and what would you suggest for next year?

A. Bullying is at its worst during the middle school years, but for a school that has a "no tolerance" policy, it's important to communicate about your son's victimization and that shouldn't be considered "snitching." In light of the real violence that has taken place in schools by students who have been bullied, schools recognize the damage that bullying creates.

Schools that have anti-bullying programs are successful in reducing, but not eradicating, bullying. There are two ways to approach your son's problem. Both should take place simultaneously. One is by identifying the leader of the bullying, if there is one, and counseling that leader may help your son and others. The other approach is to teach your son appropriate responses: when to ignore, when to give back a smart response and how to find friends so he can feel supported. It's possible, from your descriptions, that your son is overreacting and reporting minor teasing, but I doubt that. When you meet with the school for your son's Individual Educational Plan (IEP), you can add learning to minimize and cope with bullying to his goals, and this can effectively bring him some support from teachers.

Your role as parent is to remind him that he's a good person and that bullies often have problems of their own and some times end up in jail. You need to keep him busy with extracurricular and family activities. When you take a trip or visit, ask your son to bring a friend along so that he starts to feel especially close to at least a couple of other kids. For more suggestions on bullying, you can read my book "Growing Up Too Fast" (Rodale, 2005).

For free newsletters about bullying or "Growing Up Too Fast," send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or visit www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.